Politics and Strawberry Lemonade

Today I want to talk about three things: politics, the stupidity of women, and what happens when women are stupid after you talked to other women about politics. While many of you probably think that these have absolutely no relation, I aim to prove that they do.

               

Politics: America’s way of showing other countries that they can take us over one day. Also, America’s way of proving that money is far and away the most important factor of deciding who is important. While I can’t lie that most politicians are smart people, society has to realize that all they do is figure out the best way to lie so that they can get votes. This is why I support my main man, the Libertarian candidate for president, Governor Gary Johnson. This dude is legit. The brodidate. He’s not mormon, he won’t raise taxes, and he’s probably been balls deep in your girlfriend. He has climbed Mount Everest. He wants women to be able to abort their babies at will. He has competed in the Iron Man, and has never ever voted on a tax increase. He wants to legalize marijuana. Why would you not vote for this guy? If you knock a girl up, the fetus is gone, and gone cheaply. If you make a lot of money, he won’t take it from you, because he is probably on top of a fucking mountain, high as a kite. Gary Johnson: ultimate bro.

Alright, Thaddeus, get off of Gary’s dick. Why are women stupid? Because last weekend I went into a bar seeking out women. My pickup tale? My buddy and I worked on Gary Johnson’s campaign. A simple wiki search 5 minutes before we went out was enough to provide at least ten minutes of bullshit about him. Not only were women dumb enough to believe this, but they were dumb enough to make a promise to us that they were going to vote for him in the upcoming election. They were then dumb enough to take tequila shots Project X style off of our necks and mouths. Probably the funniest part of this to me is that I am located in a city where the only politician stupid enough to campaign here is Reverend Al Sharpton. I also made it clear to these girls that Johnson is the governor of New Mexico, which is a solid 1500 miles away from where I am. Next time, I’m going to say that I work at area 51 in Roswell, New Mexico. Probably just as believable.

                

What happened to me the next weekend? Well, I used the Gary Johnson line again many times, and it continued to work.  Unfortunately, I didn’t get with any of the Gary Johnson girls. Instead, I blacked out, and ended up back in my apartment with a female friend of mine, coming out of my black out in the middle of some intense cunnilingus. (Classic.) Like, I was standing up, getting real into it. (More classic.) She leaves, and I wake up the next morning with a foul taste in my mouth. I look down at the sheets. What was once white is now tainted with a large blob of maroon. All I’ll say is that this was not strawberry lemonade. I put two and two together and, well, let’s just say that I’m disgusted with myself. I'm not  a vampire, especially not when I'm down south. What makes me feel better about it? I know for a fact that Gary Johnson must have been in the same situation in his younger years. Shit, he probably does it for fun. That was for you, Gary.

Gary Johnson 2012.

I Don't Care About Your Man-Meat, I Care About My Meat, Man

If there is one thing in life I know to be true, it is that politics and poultry should never be mixed. Ever. This is why all of this hull-a-baloo about Chick-Fil-A is especially upsetting for me. As you all know, Dan Cathy, the CEO for a company that doesn’t open on Sundays out of respect for God’s day (aren’t all days God’s? If I were God, I’d want all the days to be mine) admitted that he does not support gay marriage. In other breaking news, Osama Bin Laden didn’t like America, bears do indeed shit in the woods and Allen Iverson has swag. Honestly, who thought that Cathy would be all about dudes tying the knot? Now, the liberal media has gotten all crazy upset, which has made Mike Huckabee and the religious right all pissed. There are protests, and protests of protests, which have triggered a weird protest of the protest of the original protest. Its called Chick-Fil-Gay (the most creative protest name of all time!) and it is bound to occur this Friday. Basically, LGBT people are going to go to Chick-Fil-A and make out in their restaurants to make everyone in the world feel uncomfortable. Their hope is probably to get videotaped getting thrown out of Chick-Fil-A to show how bigoted the staff is, when really they will be being thrown out for loitering, making a scene and not being a customer. And now, apparently the other side plans to go and make out with their opposite sex partners as a protest of the protest which was protesting a counter protest of the original protest. It appears that half the country thinks I’m going to hell if I eat a delicious chikin sandwich, and the other half thinks I’m going to hell if I don’t eat a chickin sandwich.

This is annoying as all hell.  First off, I don’t want to see ANYONE making out in a public fast food restaurant. PDA is creepy and uncomfortable no matter where it is and how many penises are involved. Second, those sandwiches are too delicious for people to draw party lines over. Chick-Fil-A is probably the best thing that religion and the Bible have ever given the world. Have you had one of those sandwiches? They are the best food on Earth. They are probably more miraculous than the Immaculate Conception, Jesus’ resurrection and the 1980 US Men’s hockey team combined. Slab some BBQ sauce on those bad boys and you’re in for a half-chub every time. I once ate a Chick-Fil-A number one with no pickles and BBQ sauce 5 days straight at work. For all of those now boycotting the restaurant, all I can say is you’re stupid and now it’s more chikin for me.  

I don’t want to get super political, as I hate politics and everything the major news networks and politicians pretend to stand for, but I find it absurd that people are so appalled by one man’s political views. So he is old school and religious and thinks it should be Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Big whoop.  And with news coming out that Chick-Fil-A donates some of its profits to anti-LGBT organizations, I guess the boycotts make some more sense, but that still doesn’t mean Chick-Fil-A should be demonized as some hate mongering, terrible organization. They just don’t want dudes getting married, which is going to be a reality in the next 10-15 years anyway. These donations aren’t going to make any difference. And for all those boycotting Chick-Fil-A, how many of them are tweeting about it on their iPhones which abuses cheap labor and weak labor laws in Asia to produce their product. And how many people are driving to work today using gas which destroys the earth and all that other tree-hugging nonsense. People need to stop being so self-fucking righteous, stop caring about an old man who likes the bible and start eating the most delicious foodstuffs on the planet. If people started boycotting ever corporation that has questionable morals, we’d all be living in huts, sitting by the fire playing MFK while El Tigre lets some cave-ho lick his bum.

In summary, don’t go to Chick-Fil-A on Friday if you don’t want to see obnoxious gays and old religious people making out while you’re trying to eat a delicious sandwich. I guess I’ll be using the drive thru.

Chikin,

Abe Froman, The Chikin King of the Universe

Hoegaarden? Maybe three...

As I sit here, sipping on the wonderful nectar that is a Hoegaarden Belgian Wheat Beer, I realize that the stars have aligned yet again and presented me with a topic to write on. I have a myriad of stories to tell, many of which revolve around exactly what college was to me: a Ho Garden.

Notice the number of beers. Keep this on your noggin.

In any garden, especially that which is full of ho’s, there are many different varieties of species. In college’s case, there are fat ones, skinny ones, insane ones, depressed ones, attention seekers, trolls, slam-pieces, dime-pieces, and one that I happened to encounter three times: those that enjoy coitus in groups of three. (Ironic, I know.) Yes, I have participated in three threesomes.  College is the best time of anyone’s life to experience with things, and I am pleased to say that I did that. Unfortunately for me, two of these threesomes were of the devil’s variety, meaning my buddy and I double teamed a chick, and the one with two females… well, let’s just say they certainly weren’t slam-pieces. Yeah, these were a combo of troll and insane. For now, I will elaborate on my experience with the females, the other stories will come in due time.

I receive a text at approximately 2:40 AM. I’m slam-bastered, talli-wagged, and henceforthed. The text says that “the athlete” (yep, here she is again) and her friend would like to do it weird style, essentially, a little menage-a-trois. Obviously, I hop on over to their pad, as they are roommates, where I find them strumming a ukulele and giggling amongst each other. They say that the night hasn’t gone their way and they are horny and ready for some Bonefish-style sack wrasslin’. It takes me a while to urge them forward to a bedroom, but once we get there, things are going way smoother than I anticipated. So smooth, in fact, that once they’re both naked and laying beneath my loins, I say “Damn, who first?” To which the fatter, smellier one eagerly replies. Classic. From here, the tri-coitus is like regular sex but more fun, even with uglier girls, because there’s new positions and awesomeness to explore. I’m not trying to get people to wank it here, so I’ll leave it out. (Except if you ever have a chance to get double dome and don’t, you’re a regular Lance Bass.)

After session one is where the highlight of this tale takes place. The ukulele comes out. The laptop comes out. Chat roulette is entered in the web browser. Multiple scrolls through people on webcams commence, all astonished that we are naked, a group of three, putting ourselves online for the world to see… with a fucking ukulele. It was funny at first, until there was a dude stroking his dolphin across the interwebs, but displayed on our screen. The girls think that it will be fun to let him direct us, like we’re some type of fucking pawn on a chess board with sexual organs on display. He instructs them to touch me in certain ways, and they obey. Big Brother was watching, and they gave in to his ways. But not me, my friends!!! I am strong, both at heart and at mind! At first this was a humorous gag, but after about a minute of this absurdity, with my soul 70 percent removed from my shock-afflicted body, I exited the browser and regained any bit of dignity I had left. Big Brother would not be watching me today. No, sir.

                Then we did round two.

                Always your boy,

    Thaddeus

Kill Fuck Marry, Pt. 2: Strategy

I know all of you spent the weekend getting too shitfaced to stand up straight, let alone preserve the memory of my last post regarding KFM. So let me refresh your memory: Kill Fuck Marry has been around since the dawn of Mankind and El Tigre is the spawn of retards. That’s about it.

Now that we have gone through my thorough refresher of last week’s post regarding the History of KFM, I am gonna drop some more knowledge for all you wannabe bros out there. This post is devoted entirely to the strategy behind the game KFM.

I am going to break this down in the most simple way that I can as I like to keep my posts short and sweet. We are going to evaluate “Kill” “Fuck” and “Marry” individually and deliberately to fully understand the implications and opportunities that come with each option.

KILL

Now this is by far the most straightforward option in the game. The kill option should be used for one of two scenarios – for a girl that you genuinely hate, or just the girl that doesn’t make the “fuck” or “marry” cut. In one game, it might be understandable for you to kill a perfectly attractive individual because she just isn’t as hot as the girl you would fuck or as domesticated as the girl you would marry. Don’t get down on yourself for choosing to kill a hot/nice female – who you choose to kill is 70% a result of the other 2 people, rather than the girl herself.

FUCK

This brings me to the most complicated section of the game. Without a doubt, the girl you choose to fuck can be for a variety of reasons that I could never dream to cover in a single blog. So I am just going to convey my one and simple rule to all you schmeebs reading my blog right now: when confronted with a game of KFM, just be prepared to justify your decision of who to engage in coitus with. Whether it be a hate fuck or you decide to bang your ex’s best friend to get back at her – there are a variety of reasons why you would want to fuck a girl. Just be prepared to defend your assertion. If given a choice to fuck a really hot girl who sucks (not even in a cool way) or a girl who is decently attractive but really cool – I personally am a big believer in hate fucking the shit out of the hot bitch. Let some other dickbrain kill her.

But before I go on to “marry,” I feel as though I need to make a disclaimer about what I mean by “hate fuck.” I am not talking about beating a girl up while bumping uglies; rather, hate fucking is about demoralization. Spray your boner juice in her eye. That’s always a great go to. But be creative. There isn’t one defined way to hate fuck, just go with your instincts.

Marry

This one is more complex than you may think. You gotta take into consideration all the things that go into a marriage: finances, sex (you would have to have sex with this broad a few times at the very least), domestication, and general personality. My ideal “marry” candidate is someone who I can make me a grilled cheese while simultaneously giving me a blumpkin and raking in some money from the trust fund her parents set up for her. Unlike the other two categories, for me, this requires the most well-rounded candidate. You can fuck a deaf, dumb, and blind chick who happens to be very hot. You can kill a hot chick who is a total bitch. But to marry a girl, you truly have to take a combination of factors into consideration. In my experience playing this game, I have found that most guys seem to have a set group of females that exemplify the traits for the “marry” category. Even though I’m not trying to tie the knot anytime soon, I’ve got a solid 4 or 5 women that go into the “marry” category 95% of the time that they are in the game.

In summation, “Kill Fuck Marry” isn’t just about making the hottest girl “F,” the “nice girl” “M,” and the ugly one “K.” Its about making a decision that defines you. Take this game seriously. Your father, your fathers father, and your fathers fathers before him played this game and they played it with pride. Unless you are a Tard. Then your ancestors just sat in the corner and drooled while the real bros talked about doing the horizontal tango.

Trust me, I’m a Doctor.

-Dr. Red

P.S. – Sometimes you should consider letting Tards play KFM with you. It can be fun to see what kind of fucked up logic these dickbrains come up with. Great example: El Tigre would rather fuck a dude than marry a girl that won’t lick his butthole.

Homeless or Retarded?

Mr. Froman's earlier post analyzing the "Would you rather shart or vomit randomly?" sent me on a tangent of "would you rather" scenarios. One presented to me by a friend of me warrants further analysis. He asked, "Would you rather be homeless or retarded?"Before we move forward, I want to present the conditions for both scenarios. Homeless, in the context of this article, refers to the following conditions:

1. Lacking a home
2. Living in an urban area
3. Having a few homeless friends
4. Being of average intelligence
5. Being largely unaware of the benefits of having lots of money. I understand all homeless people probably wish they had a home, but they also probably don't realize all of the smaller benefits of being wealthy.

And for retarded, the conditions are as follows:

1. Being far below average intelligence
2. Having a home and all of the benefits of a completely normal upbringing
3. Having friends of normal intelligence
4. And, for those of you who have family members or relatives who are actually mentally challenged, as I do, this is not about them. Its about that "retarded" friend everyone has.

As we go on, I will be referencing my retarded friend in order to present my argument. From here on out, my retarded friend will be referred to as "El Tigre."

Under the aforementioned conditions, I think both being homeless and being El Tigre have their various pros and cons. As for being homeless, the cons are rather obvious. First, you are without a home. Second, you see people on a daily basis more well off than you. The benefits of being homeless, though, are more surprising. Being homeless would mean a lack of any sort of unnecessary material possession. While this seems like a negative, I think that a homeless person is far more appreciative and understanding of the blessings of life. Also, as I mentioned before, homeless people are generally unaware of the finer things in life. Ignorance is bliss.

El Tigre, though retarded, does lead the life of a normal person. Because of his upbringing, he can go to college, have friends, and get a job. All of these things seem to overwhelming tip the scale in El Tigre's favor. In the same way, however, that a homeless person consistently sees more well off individuals and is reminded of their poor socioeconomic status, El Tigre is surrounded constantly by those more intelligent, and is reminded of his poor intellectual standing within society. Therefore both El Tigre and the homeless man experience similar self-depreciating effects as a result of just living.

El Tigre does come with additional cons though. While most people wouldn't insult a homeless person for being homeless, many people, in fact most people, will insult El Tigre for being stupid. This, on top of the constant recognition of more intelligent life forms around him, can make life even tougher for El Tigre than a homeless person. Now, accounting for the fact that El Tigre has a normal life and family to fall back on, I think that the negative mental impacts of social interactions between El Tigre and a homeless person are about equal. In addition, if El Tigre happened to walk by a homeless person holding a sign that said "Need money for food" while reading a newspaper, El Tigre might realize that even the homeless man can read and write, causing the scales of social happiness to tip toward our homeless friend.

Going back to the point I made earlier, though, for most homeless people ignorance is bliss. While aware they are homeless, they are generally unaware of the many small spoils of the wealthy life, and for that reason it doesn't particularly upset them. El Tigre, though, while presented with all of the many finer things in life, may struggle to gain the same appreciation for them as his friends of average intelligence.  This could lead to a whirlpool of self-loathing and the inability to even coexist with others of normal intelligence,  or even the sprouting of an unsightly cowlick.

Also, the living accomodations of a homeless person vary greatly by geographical location. While this can be a negative or a positive, the downsides of being retarded impact El Tigre regardless of location. A homeless person can escape the cold, but El Tigre can't escape his intellectual inferiority.

For this reason, I would choose to be homeless instead of retarded. The ability to read, write, comprehend ideas, communicate with others, and close doors, for me, presents a more fulfilling life than one filled with jokes going over my head, people wondering how I got where I did in life, and generally not really having idea or appreciation for what the fuck is going on.

Kill Fuck Marry, Part 1: A History

               Some may call it juvenile. If you are a feminist, you probably label it barbaric. But if you have a soul and enjoy a game that both challenges you intellectually and makes you fully evaluate your status as a poon-slaying bro king, then you obviously have played your fair share of “Kill Fuck Marry.”

                Since the dawn of mankind, bros have existed for one reason and one reason only: to pack boxes and create little bros that will carry on your legacy. Do you honestly think that there weren’t cavemen who competed with other guys over the hairy cavewomen? Obviously they hadn’t invented fake boobs, Brazilian waxes, or blumpkins yet – but they still were on a never ending hunt for that ever-elusive dank poontang. As such, it only makes sense that these dudes obviously gathered around the fire at night with some dinosaur haunches roasting and debating whose bitch was the best lay. It was here that Kill Fuck Marry was invented.

                Now it is important to make the distinction between the cavemen who played this game and the cavemen who didn’t. You may ask your self: “Dr. Red, why would this matter?” Well, listen up dickholes because I’m about to drop some serious knowledge on your dome. There were 3 different types of cavemen back in the day:

1)      The Man: this guy was down to hunt and fuck. Nothing else. You think this guy got poon? Of course he did. He never knew about eating pussy because he never had to. Just BJ on BJ on BJ. When he brought back that freshly butchered Wooly Mammoth leg, the bitches of the tribe/village/group would be all over this guy. The Man would only fraternize with other guys who fit his description, and in these groups KFM truly became a game that exemplified competition and intellectual strength. Bros are descendants of these Gods.

2)      The Pussy: This guy was too busy gathering herbs (not even the cool kind) and flowers to get pussy. Even in cavemen time where all you had to do was look at a girl to get her on her knees, this guy couldn’t score. If you know someone in PETA , the Occupy Wall Street Movement, or someone that lives in France, there is a 99% chance that they are descendants of the Pussies.

3)      The Tard: This guy was just drooling in the corner, but one day the Man started  enjoying his company because he is funny to laugh at. As a result, he gave him food and even gave him a woman from time to time. It is from this charity that the Tard was able to procreate. If you have a friend that is literally too dumb to close the door behind him, spell “straight,” “blonde,” or prefers getting his asshole eaten out over having sex, he is most definitely a descendant of a Tard.

Now that you have that little history lesson, I can move on to the evolution of KFM. The bros that invented the game (the Men from above) finally figured out that they needed to compete with other Men about whose girl was the best looking or was the best lay. The rest is history. One guy said some bitch was so ugly that he’d rather kill her than fuck her and then another dude said that marrying the broad would be better than killing her because her ability to clean up the cave was prime. Even back in the day, Men knew that a woman needed to be in prime cooking/cleaning mode in order to be a good wife.

Throughout the years, this game has held on to its original and true goal: bros competing with other bros to establish whose got the best taste in women. Now I’m gonna make a disclaimer here: a lot of the time, bros will disagree on who’d they rather KF or M. Its important to keep an open mind to other bros opinions (although a true bro knows that he is right 100% of the time), because KFM can lead to some genuinely funny conversations.

            Coming up next week will be an in-depth analysis of the strategy behind this ancient sport. Until then, keep on fucking.

The 10 Dumbest Athletes Around

I’m Cape Cod Paul. I love sports and hate dumb people and women (is that redundant?). Here’s a list of my 10 dumbest athletes of all time. In addition, I listed 4 athletes who I think get the most unfair media criticism.

10 Dumbest Athletes

Mark Mcgwire/Barry Bonds/Jose Canseco – Steroids ruined one of the most glorious eras in baseball. The great home run chase of our childhood is forever tainted by these fucking sacks of meat. All three of them are huge cowards and fucking morons. Barry Bonds, in addition to being a cheating sack of shit, was also a huge douchebag and notoriously terrible teammate. Chalk it up to ‘roid rage I guess. What makes these guys some of the dumbest athletes ever, in addition to some of the biggest cheaters, is how they tried to cover it up. McGwire answered every question at his grand jury hearing with “I’m not here to talk about the past.” Yes you are, Mark. That’s the point of the trial. You’re a moron. You are only there to talk about the past, no one gives a shit about your washed up future. Canseco followed it up by writing a book shortly thereafter about how he injected McGwire with steroids. Now, Canseco plays in an independent minor league that doesn’t drug test because he has failed drug tests in every major American and Puerto Rican baseball league. The fact that they have tiny dicks and can’t talk about breaking one of the greatest records in sports, though, is pretty adequate justice.



Dwight Howard - As we are currently in the midst of the Dwight Howard trade saga, this selection probably needs little explanation. This past spring Dwight signed a waiver committing himself to the Orlando Magic through the upcoming season. As soon as this past season ended, Dwight asked to be traded to the Brooklyn Nets. As he belongs to the Magic for another season, because of the waiver Dwight chose to sign, they don’t need to trade him until they get a good offer. They didn’t like the Nets offer, and now Dwight is frustrated. He continues to dominate ESPN and Sportscenter with his gargantuan body and tiny brain and I think I speak for everyone when I say I hope he gets traded to Europe.

Freddie Mitchell – Many of you may have forgotten about “The People’s Champ”. It all began when Freddie made a catch in the 2003-04 NFC divisional playoffs against the Packers on 4^th and 26. The next season, after a divisional playoff win against the Vikings where Mitchell scored two touchdowns, Mitchell said, “I just want to thank my hands for being so great.” Mitchell cemented his stupidity 3 short weeks later in the 2004-05 Super Bowl, making one catch for 11 yards after calling out Patriots safety Rodney Harrison before the game, claiming not to know any member of the Patriots secondary. After the game, Bill Belichick said, “All he does is talk. He’s terrible…I was happy when he was in the game.” If that isn’t insulting enough, “The People’s Champ” was cut from the Eagles and became a substitute teacher. Not intelligent enough to teach, FredEx opened a barbeque restaurant as a front to sell weed. He was recently indicted for tax fraud. I just want to thank karma for being so great.

Adam “Pacman” Jones-

• 04/23/2005 – Drafted Sixth Overall by Tennessee Titans
• 07/2005 – Charged with felony vandalism at a nightclub (For those of you not too familiar with NFL police report lingo, nightclub = strip club)
• 10/2005 – Forgets to meet Probation Officer, sentence extended
• 03/2006 – Marijuana Possession charge
• 08/2006 – Spits on woman at strip club, charged with disorderly conduct and public intoxication
• 10/2006 – Spits in another woman’s face, same old same old
• 02/2007 – Was making it rain at a “nightclub” and was in the midst of a shooting, suspended from NFL for entire 2007 season
• 08/2007 – Debuts as a member of “Team Pacman” with Total Nonstop Action Wrestling. Yes, you read that correctly, he wrestled professionally.
• 01/2008 – Sucker punches stripper in the face
• 10/2008 – Gets drunk and fights his own bodyguards, earns suspension for another entire season

If I counted right, that’s 8 crimes in years. Need I say more?

Andre Dawson – On the list for one reason and one reason only. He (in)famously said “I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.”

I could’ve sworn Sandusky said that.

OJ Simpson – Innocent

Big Ben Roethlisberger – I should preface this with the fact that I hate all Steelers players and fans. In 2006, Roethlisberger crashed his motorcycle in downtown Pittsburgh. Not only was he not wearing helmet, but he didn’t even have a Pennsylvania motorcycle license. After a few more years as an incredibly overrated quarterback, Roethlisberger was accused of sexual assault. While one instance of sexual assault won’t land you on this list (here’s looking at you, Kobe Bryant), Roethlisberger was again accused of sexual assault not even a year later. This, coupled with his decline in performance on the field, coined the slogan, “Throwin’ picks rapin’ chicks.”

Plax - I thought everyone had seen 8 mile.

Metta World Peace – First, there was the Malice at the Palace. After the above event and some uneventful NBA seasons, changes name to Metta World Peace as a representation of his newfound amicable temperament. Then he did this.

Morris Claiborne – Entering the 2012 NFL Draft, Claiborne scored 4 on the Wonderlic test. For those that are unfamiliar with the test, it is scored out of 50. That is an 8%. Claiborne needed to pull a Derrick Rose and get someone to take the test for him. Try the test here. If you don’t score above 10, remove yourself from the gene pool immediately.

4 Athletes who take too much unfair media criticism

John Daly – Everyone hates on him for making statements like this, “I want to gamble and I want to have a few drinks now and then. Basically, it (trying to stay sober) had taken over my life, and I was miserable. It's like I've said before, there's no way I'd never drink again." He gambles and drinks, sounds like a bro to me

Mike Vick – Too many athletes have done way too many worse things for Michael Vick to get shit on the way he does. He messed up, paid his dues to society, and got out. That’s how our country works, and if you don’t like that, leave.

Mike Tyson – I know I know, he sounds retarded and bit off a dudes ear. You could definitely make the case that he should be on the above list, but this is too great.

Pete Rose – If you couldn’t tell from my description of the steroid abusers above, I really hate the people who cheated the entire game of baseball out of its best record. Pete Rose was a terrific baseball player, and made one bad mistake. If any steroid using record breaker makes it to the hall before Pete (likely to happen) baseball is fucked forever.

Ricky Williams – The guy got tired of football and decided he didn’t want to ruin his body playing football. He followed his heart. And his heart told him to smoke weed and teach yoga. I don’t know if you’ve seen his ESPN 30 for 30 (if not, do it) but the guy would casually smoke upwards of 17 joints with his three friends in one sitting. That’s unreal, even by the standards of the Pukey contributors, who, being bros, smoke a lot of weed.

Take it sleazy, CCP out

Would You Rather...

The other day, a co-worker posed an interesting hypothetical question that I have subsequently analyzed to death (when you go on a 21 hour streak of doing absolutely nothing at work, these are the type of things you spend your time doing). He asked, “Every time you sneezed for the rest of your life, would you rather shit your pants or throw up?”

First things first, I need to clarify the parameters of this question. In this instance, “shit your pants” constitutes a moderate shart. One where a small amount of poo sneaks out and essentially stains your undergarments but lacks the size and consistency of a standard stool. For instance, if you were standing when the sneeze occurred, you may not even notice the fecal matter in your drawers, but upon sitting down the presence would be undeniable. When it comes to the vomit, it would be roughly the size and length of a vomit after being drunk, full and shotgunning a beer, where the vomit is mostly just the last beer that went down, and maybe a little bit more. Nothing gut wrenching or overpowering, but still a significant vomit. Finally, multiple sneezers, people who sneeze more than once almost everytime they sneeze, should be treated as standard one time sneezers. So each sneeze session would constitute one shart or one boot. However, if the sneezes total more than 3, bonus sharting or vomiting will ensue, with each additional 2 sneezes leading to another shart or boot (4 sneezes = 2 shart/vomit, 6 sneezes= 3, etc). This takes into account allergy season and must be considered.

Ok, now that I have laid down the ground rules, it’s time to start the analysis. When this question was first posed, I quickly declared I’d prefer the vomiting option. As a male college student, vomiting is something I am inherently used to. In my prime (sophomore year, the first peak of every college guys career), I would probably be booting at a minimum two nights a week, with a maximum of 5. With such experience, the act of vomiting does not bother me all that much and a few a day (I probably sneeze on average 1.75 times a day) would be manageable. I have not sharted nearly as much, not to say that I haven’t. One time I did walking to my house from campus, right in front of the sorority dorm. Oh, yeah and I was going commando due to my natural inability to do laundry more than once every month. It was miserable as I had to squat-run home a moderate distance, hoping nobody would walk behind me. That experience put the fear of shart in my heart, and I hope to never deal with that again. Other side advantages I thought of the vomiting options: getting out of work for being “sick” would come in handy if one were to sneeze-barf in front of co-workers or bosses. The smell of the vomit could be easily concealed with some mints or gum or even a stash of mouth wash, unlike a shart, which is an undeniable odor. Who wants their friends, family and coworkers knowing they shit themselves on the reg?

After some thought provoking discussion with some friends, I think I may have been swayed to the other side. One, the constant vomiting could possibly lead to some malnutrition and weight loss issues (which I guess would be a plus for all the insecure ladies out there). Second and more importantly, the vomit would be very hard to conceal and would be pretty embarrassing in many situations (i.e. job interview, first date, sex, your child’s baptism, an AA meeting, when your wife asks you how she looks, etc). A shart, however, would go unnoticed to the untrained eye. The smell probably wouldn’t be overpowering right away, and with some odor-preventing adult diapers, could be essentially untraceable. The adult diaper possibility is a game changer in my mind, as it will properly contain the poo, keep the smell manageable and gives some more flexibility in how much time you can take before you change.

Without the adult diaper, I would probably stick with the vomiting, just because it’s much more socially acceptable to throw up than poop yourself as a grown man, but they exist and must be considered. However, everything in the adult diaper/sharting world would not be gravy. First, studies have shown that you are 100% more susceptible to diaper rash when you are wearing diapers as opposed to when you are not. Nobody likes rashes, especially near their nether regions. Babies hate them, so I think there is an innate human hatred of diaper rashes, meaning they suck for people of all ages Second, I am not too familiar with adult diapers, but I imagine they are just baby diapers sized for old people. This would mean they would probably make sounds and be puffy. A wise observer would be able to notice the adult diaper. Being caught wearing adult diapers would be just as embarrassing as being caught shitting yourself, given the transitive property (shitting yourself all the time = everyone making fun of you and hating you, wearing adult diaper = shitting yourself all the time. Therefore: wearing adult diapers = everyone making fun of you and hating you). Finally, poops are meant to be cherished and enjoyed in the privacy of one’s own home or stall. The constant sharting would probably instill a phobia of good farts and poopig which no adult male wants.

In the end, both scenarios would suck. While I am still sort of torn between the two, I would probably have to go sharting, simply because of the ability to conceal them with an adult diaper. Like all the greatest questions posed by philosphers, leaders and societies throughout the history of mankind, we may never discover the true answer to this question. It shall remain a mystery until death. I don’t believe in an afterlife, but if I did, I would hope to rise to heaven and be greeted by Jesus. I would then ask him this as well as other questions that have tormented society for  years (What came first, the chicken or the egg? Should you stand or sit when you wipe your ass? How about fold or scrunch the toilet paper? And so many, many more).

Shartfully yours,

Abraham Froman

The Transition Game

Morning Gents,

It's been a while since I've decided to paint a canvas of knowledge on here for all the reliable bros, and puny chumps that come to Pukey for all things right with the world. Btw, if you do one of the following 3 things please stop reading immediately and go to www.internshipsurvivalguide.blogspot.com

1) Watch the "Big Bang Theory"
2) Use the term "Besties"to describe your friends, or in fact, use it at all
3) Use instagram because it makes brings out the sheltered artist inside of you

Alright, now that we have that cleared up, I'd like to hit you all with a topic thats very near and dear to my heart, as I'm sure it will be to many of you soon enough: a transition into the real world. Flying high off the best 6 months of my life that included multiple drinking vacations featuring a beach, minimal responsibilities, and spending every moment with my best friends enjoying the simple things in life like the taste of a nice toll-house cookie after some adventures with green technology or a nice fresh big whiskey on a hot summer day I can say that I was a bit depressed about graduating college, the most bro-friendly place on earth. My depression quickly subsided the first month of summer: I don't begin work until next week, and, although I couldn't quite live the same college dream at home, I made the best of a bad situation: waking up late, drinking early and often, enjoying the parental paid amenities of the country club snack bar and golf course. Aside from my Ma who occasionally got too cocky demanding outlandish things of me, like doing my own laundry or making myself lunch, I was able to stave off 'real world transition' depression a while longer, but that feeling's starting to set back in again as I pack my life away into boxes and prepare to become a slave to the man for the next 6 years of my life until I find a really wealthy wife who's Dad is fully prepared to bequeath all of his wealth to me.

Luckily, since I'm a bro, as are most of you assuming all the instagram users are now reading my retarded friends stupid website, we realize that as bros we take every situation with head-on since we're the smartest most intelligent people on earth and don't succumb to the sadness of depression related emotions unless it involves running out of beer before midnight or the retirement of your favorite professional athletes. Preparing to enter into the real world I've made myself a list of things to help make this transition less daunting, and I believe remembering these few simple points will help bros thrive in the real world just as they have college.

1) In the real world "coolness" especially amongst slam pieces now relates to how successful you are and not how many beers you can drink. Although at first this may seem daunting for bros, because well, we're the best beer drinkers in the milky way, we also have to remember that do to our personable characteristics, seamless connections, and incredibly intelligent qualities we are set up to be richer and more successful then all those chums who probably got better grades in us in high school and college at the expense of learning how the world really works outside a book.

2) Now that we have money you can pretty much pay anyone to do anything for you: Now, this is awesome. I'm going to put this pretty simply in terms of one of my least favorite tasks, laundry. First of all, everyone knows that laundry is generally a task reserved for girlfriends and moms, but, at college especially, us bros often find ourselves doing our own laundry. I know we've all been pushed to the limits, buying clothes when the hampers full just to stave off laundry for another day. Luckily, now that we're all working bros and have a shit ton of money, we can pay anyone to do anything for us, including laundry. This principle applies to just about everything. Realizing how nice it is to have an excess amount of cash flow thats all to yours, especially when you're in your young 20s and have very minimal expenses really opens up the world to you.

3) Girls are entering what I like to call, "The Second Coming." Last but not least, we have to dedicate some time to the second golden age for women, their early-to-mid 20s. If you really take close note in the progression of women, they really are at their finest right when they enter college. Not only are they fresh off the streets, but they haven't been exposed to four years of excessive drinking, minimal exercise, and late night eating so their figures are still in great shape. Although some girls are able to withstand the inevitable weight gain that girls experience in college most succumb to the pressures of late night dominoes. Thrust into the real world, probably with some job and lifestyle in Manhattan that their daddy bought for them, girls quickly lose weight and revert back to their pre-college form, only more mature and filled out looking, returning them to a golden age of good looks. They also start getting worried about being alone forever and are thus more likely to give it up easily for a few drinks at the bar. This is another thing bros transitioning to the real world can take solace in as they climb the next mountain in their lives.

I believe that if you keep these three simple things in mind anytime you may get a little nervous or unsettled about leaving college behind and writing a new chapter in your bible you'll be able to conquer any challenge thats out their waiting for you. Just like LeBron was able to make a seamless transition from highschool to the NBA, you'll be able to thrive in your life changes as well.


-Dicky Fuld

Get Me Outta Here!

(Quick note: I realize I am currently the only contributor so far this summer. I guess our buddies 19th, Thaddeus, Dickey and Too Bored are too busy being in the real world to be posting regularly. I don’t really care, as I need this as therapy for getting through these brutal intern days. Hopefully we will be adding some hot up-and-coming intern talent soon)
Everybody has been there before. You just had a miserable semester, you couldn’t get any ass, you got busted for an underage, and your grades are suspect. A good buddy had to leave school for the semester because Public Safety doesn’t really appreciate having their car urinated on. You still get reminded on a daily basis about that time you vomited on the hot freshman you got back into your room, which was shaping up to be the hook up equivalent of a half-tard winning the Super Bowl twice (looking at you, Eli), until you blew it harder than Jenna Jameson in “Deepthroat.” All of this and you’re in the middle of Finals week. You have 5 exams and 3 papers due, which makes no logical sense considering you only have 4 classes. All you can think is “I can’t wait to get out of this place.”

At the time, this sounds like a logical desire. You are unhappy, overworked and a semester’s worth of debauchery is really starting to catch up with your once seemingly invincible body. A little rest could really go a long way for your physical and mental states. So you get home, and you feel pretty good. Mom’s cooking is really hitting the spot, and it’s nice to see your family. But after day 3 of watching Law and Order: SVU marathons on USA while downing a box of Coco-Puffs, things aren’t looking as gravy as you thought they were. This is when the inevitable, “I can’t fucking wait to get back to school” thoughts start racing through your head. You think you may be alone in this mindset, because all of your friends were dying for the semester to end just like you. However, 2 nights on Facebook chat make you realize that all your friends are thinking the exact same thing.

There are a bunch of factors that contribute to this swift change of mind, but none more important than the one universal truth: College is fucking awesome. Yeah, you may still “like” your home friends, but there’s no substitute for blacking out 4 nights a week with a bunch of dudes just looking to do the same surrounded by a seemingly endless supply of attractive women. Even when times are rough at school, you always have the outlet of huge house parties with good friends with very few other commitments. (Let’s face it, 4 classes a week are a joke. And if you’re the schmeeb who’s busy as hell cause you’re involved in like a million extra-curriculars at COLLEGE, get off this blog cause you just don’t fucking get it. Extra-curriculars are meant for getting into college, nobody actually enjoys that shit.) At home, you are subject to constant parental scrutiny, who constantly want you to do “something productive.” Well, to most college age males, “productive” is playing Edward 40 hands right after a few rounds of Thunderstruck. Hell, I’d say the most productive thing I’ve ever seen was watching my buddy Ivan Drago finish a 30 rack in under 3 hrs while locked in a freezer. So yeah, dealing with your parents and that communication disconnect can be pretty annoying.

I suffer from a boring home town, strict parents and a well-documented brain meltingly mindless internship. So this phenomenon is even worse for me. Fortunately, I am a pretty intelligent guy. I’m also a nice fella, too. So I figure the best thing for me to do is give some suggestions on how to make the summer go by as quickly and enjoyably as possible.

First, plan a bunch of trips to see college friends on the weekends. This is essentially like a coke head trying to get his fix by blowing some addy, nowhere near the real thing, but still fun enough to enjoy and whet your appetite. Large gatherings at beach houses or your loaded buddy’s mansion are the best, most fun options.  Second, watch a lot of Law and Order. It’s always on and always entertaining. This is a scientific fact. Third, try to find some home ass. I understand that not everybody is suave with the ladies, and I have never successfully found home ass on any extended break from school, but I would imagine having a lady friend would be a very enjoyable time consumer. A classy date here or there and some good old fashioned boot kickin’ would make time at home fly (Note: This is entirely an assumption.) Fourth, go to as many concerts as possible. Summer time is best when enjoyed out in the sun with some friends listening to great music while inebriated. Word of advice, this and option number 1 can be easily combined into one big ball of fun.

That’s all I got really. I gotta get back to work and don’t feel like thinking of other things, at least its a start. I realize that not EVERYONE will share my sentiments as some people may actually enjoy being home, which is simply a foreign concept to me. In the end, you just gotta put your head down and get through the summer as quickly as possible. It may take a while, but at least there is that light at the end of the tunnel. Sooner or later, you will be convincing your buddy that it’s a great idea to jump off the roof into a mound of hay after chugging a beer, and all will be right in the world.

-The Sausage King of Chicago

Yes, I would "S" his "D": A Die-hard NBA fan's analysis of Lebron James

As a die-hard NBA fan and a huge Lebron James supporter since the day he was drafter, I feel I have to write about the NBA finals, even though anybody who has ever watched a game of basketball will be doing the same today. Lebron has gone through more public scrutiny than any other star athlete in any sport. Ever. In history. I’m not talking about personal life criticism like with Mike Tyson or Tiger Woods. I’m talking about criticism of on-court play and off-court, yet still basketball related, issues. People criticized him for being selfish, narcissistic, cowardly and unable to handle the pressure of being the star of an NBA team. People saw the flight to Miami as a cop-out, saying Lebron could never win on his own. Well, nobody in NBA history has EVER won one on his own. The 76ers tried that with Allen Iverson, and all they got was one win in an NBA finals series. People kept on claiming that Jordan would have never joined Magic or Bird, or vice versa. Well, Jordan had Pippen, Bird had Kevin Mchale and Robert Parish (he also played with 6 other hall of famers in his career), Magic had Kareem and James Worthy. You remember who Lebron had? Mo Williams, Antwoine Jamison, Anderson Varejo, Fat Shaq, no future high draft picks and no salary cap freedom for years to come. Who in their right mind would have stayed there? The Cleveland front office, in a panicked attempt to keep Lebron in Clevland and try to win a championship as soon as possible, sacrificed the future and made poor decisions that set the franchise back multiple years. Lebron tried doing it on his own from 2007, when the young Cavs got swept by the Spurrs in the Finals, until he left. Had Lebron stayed in Cleveland, he would have struggled for years to keep a mediocre team in contention for a title single-handedly, which he could do, but they would never be the favorites. The dude sacrificed statistics and money to try to win a championship, bucking the NBA stereotype of being selfish, caring only about stats and money instead of championships.

Was “The Decision" a terrible idea and in very poor taste? Absolutely. However, it is important to make a distinction between “The Decision” and the decision. As stated above, Lebron NEEDED to leave Cleveland. Forget “what he owed the fans” and the organization. He owed Dan Gilbert, an incredibly shitty owner and douchebag, and that terrible front office nothing. He made a choice in the best interest of his career. Lebron, much more Magic Johnson than he has ever been Michael Jordan, wanted to be in a situation with high quality teammates that he could make better. Did you watch that game last night? When people will speak of the Heat’s hot streak from the 3-point line, I really hope they will give Lebron most of that credit. When the Thunder tried to double him, he found the open man every single time. Lebron’s ability to distribute and hit guys with perfect passes might be his best basketball skill. He can score 30 any night he wants, but doing so would limit his potential as a player.

People always talk about how Lebron needs to be more like Jordan. He needs to take over games late and run up his scoring numbers. Well, there are many ways to take over a game, and I’d rather have a guy who can score AND be one of the game’s best passers any day over a guy who plays hero ball. Phil Jackson recently said he wished he could have gotten Kobe to play more like Lebron, and thinks anybody who says the opposite is dead wrong. Interesting that one of the best basketball minds of the past 20+ years states what should be so blatantly obvious to any basketball fan.

The biggest issue is the myth of Michael Jordan. People have selective memories when thinking of Jordan, often citing the end of game shots he hit during his many playoff runs to win the “big one.” They rarely talk about all the shots he passed up to the likes of Steve Kerr, John Paxton and Toni Kukoc to win games. We have made Jordan this untouchable, mythical creature who imposed his will on every game, never had a bad one and scored every point his team ever scored. It’s just simply not true. Jordan did not start winning championships until he started trusting his teammates and becoming a more complete player, something Lebron has been his entire career. As a basketball fan, I can’t believe how some people fail to appreciate all the amazing things he can do. With a now dominate low post game, the only weakness he has is his mildly inconsistent outside shooting. It is unbelievable all the things the Heat asked him to do in this playoff run. Take the tipoff when Bosh was hurt, bring up the ball when Mario Chalmers was getting a breather, guard Paul Peirce, oh wait now Keving Garnett, Oh, Rondo is going off? Guard him. Now you gotta man up Kevin Durant. But now Westbrook is going off, so you can start guarding him. Go down low and play like a 4. Average almost a triple double. He did everything short of ascending into heaven after the final whistle blew last night. As someone who loves playing and watching basketball, it is just truly amazing all the things he can do.

Lebron developed the stigma of choker because of the last series of his last two playoff runs. People said he couldn’t win the big one and crumbled under pressure in clutch end of game situations. Those critics also had selective memories, forgetting Lebron’s dominate game 6 against the Pistons in 2007, where he scored something like the teams last 27 points (I don’t feel like looking this up), or the dominate series he had in last year’s Eastern Conference Finals against the Bulls. He had two bad series, both coming when he was caring too much about off court issues(where he was going to go asa free agent, then what everyone thought about him during last years finals) and all of a sudden the dude was a joke in the big game. He came back refocused on what mattered and got back to playing as the most gifted basketball player who has ever lived.

I think that Lebron will go on to win at least 2 more championships and maybe more. He finally won the big one, and he is too good and too smart not to do it again. He did it his way, and he will keep doing that. There will continue to be people wanting to take away from Lebron, saying he needed Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh to win a championship (everybody needs somebody), he only has one (That’ll change soon enough), that he should have stayed in Cleveland (why?), and whatever else they can think of to take away from him.

He will never be Jordan, people will say. No he won’t. He will be Lebron James.

-Honest Abe

Internship Time Killers

Well, its that time of year again. Internships are in high demand in this day and age, however, I don’t really understand why.  This is my second one and I spend more time picking my nose than doing any actual meaningful work here. I felt it would be appropriate to provide a list of safe activities any bored intern can partake in to make the disastrously long day go by quicker. Here they are:

1)      The “How Much Water Can I Drink In a Day Game”- This game is an internship time killer classic. It provides multiple benefits. It’s a healthy way to prepare your liver for the weekend. It also creates two forms of time killing: getting up to get more water and a plethora of bathroom breaks. 

2)      gChat- Most offices don’t allow access to social media websites, and if they do, you don’t want to be the Jabroni caught stalking that hot girl from your freshman hall when your boss walks into your cubicle. gChat allows you to chat with friends who also have mind numbingly boring internships in a relatively safe environment. Most offices frown upon personal emails in the office, but most people understand you’re an intern with nothing to do, so looking through personal emails shouldn’t be an issue, especially since everyone does it anyway.

3)      Office Supply Art Gallery- When Most interns come to work, there is an abundance of office supplies waiting in that hell hole of a cubicle they get. These supplies provide unlimited artistic possibilities if you just get creative. Rubberbands, paperclips, staplers, paper, highlighters, you name it, are all waiting to be a part of your next beautiful office masterpiece. Be careful not to get too extravagant, as anyone walking by will notice the lifesize SpongeBob SquarePants sculpture you’re making and begin to wonder why exactly they even have interns.

4)      Cubicle pranks- pranking fellow interns or young new hires while they leave their cubicle unattended can provide endless fun. Simple things that can go relatively unnoticed like unhinging a chair, putting post it notes all throughout the drawers of a desk, rearranging all the items in the cubicle or putting up borderline inappropriate pictures in the cubicle are all solid options. Each office/ office atmosphere is different though, so be careful and use your best judgment. You don’t wanna take it too far. The only thing worse than having the most boring job you’ll ever have in your life is getting fired from the most boring job you’ve ever had in your life.

5)      Laps around the office- This is a good way to stay in shape and get out of that stupid cubicle. It's fun to try and see if anybody notices you the 5^th time you’ve walked past their desk in 25 minutes (Hint: they probably won’t). When you’re walking around an office, people always assume you’re on the move to do something important. Carry a notebook or some paperwork to display an even more believable image.

6)      Start Smoking Cigarettes- I am not positive, but I am pretty sure offices are required to allow you a certain number of 15 minute smoke breaks per day. If you just want to stand outside for 15 minutes, they can fire your ass, but if you want to damage your health and destroy your lungs, you are by all means allowed to do so. Fucked up and unfair? Yeah, probably. But hey, ya gotta work to beat the system. Trust me, the lung and heart problems that may occur later in life are far better than the monotony of your stupid meaningless internship.

7)      Do some work occasionally- I guess that’s why they are paying you to be there.

8)      Office Dumps- While most people are hesitant to take shits in public toilets, the office dump is a great way to kill time. You can get your smartphone out and surf Facebook and twitter. And it essentially makes you a professional defecator, since you’re being paid to take that shit. Drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes and eating unhealthy can help you prepare enough ammunition to take out a small country. Happy Shitting!

9)      Listen to Podcasts- Most internship work is simple enough that you are permitted to plug in an iPod while you do it. While listening to music can be entertaining, it is not as good of a time killer as listening to your favorite morning radio show, comedian or sports analyst do a podcast. Be careful not to listen to anything too funny, as laughing incessantly during a podcast will make your co-workers think you’re mind numbing internship has driven you to insanity and you’ll probably have to meet with HR.

10)   Start writing a blog- how do you think Pukey got started…