Today I want to talk about three things: politics, the
stupidity of women, and what happens when women are stupid after you talked to
other women about politics. While many of you probably think that these have
absolutely no relation, I aim to prove that they do.
Politics:
America’s way of showing other countries that they can take us over one day.
Also, America’s way of proving that money is far and away the most important
factor of deciding who is important. While I can’t lie that most politicians
are smart people, society has to realize that all they do is figure out the
best way to lie so that they can get votes. This is why I support my main man,
the Libertarian candidate for president, Governor Gary Johnson. This dude is
legit. The brodidate. He’s not mormon, he won’t raise taxes, and he’s probably
been balls deep in your girlfriend. He has climbed Mount Everest. He wants
women to be able to abort their babies at will. He has competed in the Iron
Man, and has never ever voted on a tax increase. He wants to legalize marijuana. Why would you not vote for
this guy? If you knock a girl up, the fetus is gone, and gone cheaply. If you
make a lot of money, he won’t take it from you, because he is probably on top
of a fucking mountain, high as a kite. Gary Johnson: ultimate bro.
Alright,
Thaddeus, get off of Gary’s dick. Why are women stupid? Because last weekend I
went into a bar seeking out women. My pickup tale? My buddy and I worked on
Gary Johnson’s campaign. A simple wiki search 5 minutes before we went out was
enough to provide at least ten minutes of bullshit about him. Not only were
women dumb enough to believe this, but they were dumb enough to make a promise
to us that they were going to vote for him in the upcoming election. They were
then dumb enough to take tequila shots Project X style off of our necks and
mouths. Probably the funniest part of this to me is that I am located in a city
where the only politician stupid enough to campaign here is Reverend Al
Sharpton. I also made it clear to these girls that Johnson is the governor of
New Mexico, which is a solid 1500 miles away from where I am. Next time, I’m
going to say that I work at area 51 in Roswell, New Mexico. Probably just as
believable.
What
happened to me the next weekend? Well, I used the Gary Johnson line again many
times, and it continued to work.
Unfortunately, I didn’t get with any of the Gary Johnson girls. Instead, I blacked
out, and ended up back in my apartment with a female friend of mine, coming out
of my black out in the middle of some intense cunnilingus. (Classic.) Like, I was standing
up, getting real into it. (More classic.) She leaves, and I wake up the next morning with a
foul taste in my mouth. I look down at the sheets. What was once white is now tainted
with a large blob of maroon. All I’ll say is that this was not strawberry
lemonade. I put two and two together and, well, let’s just say that I’m
disgusted with myself. I'm not a vampire, especially not when I'm down south. What makes me feel better about it? I know for a fact
that Gary Johnson must have been in the same situation in his younger years. Shit,
he probably does it for fun. That was for you, Gary.
Gary Johnson 2012.
