If there is one thing in life I know to be true, it is that
politics and poultry should never be mixed. Ever. This is why all of this
hull-a-baloo about Chick-Fil-A is especially upsetting for me. As you all know,
Dan Cathy, the CEO for a company that doesn’t open on Sundays out of respect
for God’s day (aren’t all days God’s? If I were God, I’d want all the days to
be mine) admitted that he does not support gay marriage. In other breaking
news, Osama Bin Laden didn’t like America, bears do indeed shit in the woods and
Allen Iverson has swag. Honestly, who thought that Cathy would be all about
dudes tying the knot? Now, the liberal media has gotten all crazy upset, which
has made Mike Huckabee and the religious right all pissed. There are protests,
and protests of protests, which have triggered a weird protest of the protest
of the original protest. Its called Chick-Fil-Gay (the most creative protest
name of all time!) and it is bound to occur this Friday. Basically,
LGBT people are going to go to Chick-Fil-A and make out in their restaurants to
make everyone in the world feel uncomfortable. Their hope is probably to get videotaped
getting thrown out of Chick-Fil-A to show how bigoted the staff is, when really
they will be being thrown out for loitering, making a scene and not being a
customer. And now, apparently the other side plans to go and make out with
their opposite sex partners as a protest of the protest which was protesting a
counter protest of the original protest. It appears that half the country
thinks I’m going to hell if I eat a delicious chikin sandwich, and the other
half thinks I’m going to hell if I don’t eat a chickin sandwich.
This is annoying as all hell. First off, I don’t want to see ANYONE making out in a public fast food restaurant.
PDA is creepy and uncomfortable no matter where it is and how many penises are
involved. Second, those sandwiches are too delicious for people to draw party
lines over. Chick-Fil-A is probably the best thing that religion and the Bible have
ever given the world. Have you had one of those sandwiches? They are the best
food on Earth. They are probably more miraculous than the Immaculate Conception,
Jesus’ resurrection and the 1980 US Men’s hockey team combined. Slab some BBQ
sauce on those bad boys and you’re in for a half-chub every time. I once ate a
Chick-Fil-A number one with no pickles and BBQ sauce 5 days straight at work.
For all of those now boycotting the restaurant, all I can say is you’re stupid
and now it’s more chikin for me.
I don’t want to get super political, as I hate politics and
everything the major news networks and politicians pretend to stand for, but I
find it absurd that people are so appalled by one man’s political views. So he
is old school and religious and thinks it should be Adam and Eve, not Adam and
Steve. Big whoop. And with news coming
out that Chick-Fil-A donates some of its profits to anti-LGBT organizations, I
guess the boycotts make some more sense, but that still doesn’t mean
Chick-Fil-A should be demonized as some hate mongering, terrible organization.
They just don’t want dudes getting married, which is going to be a reality in
the next 10-15 years anyway. These donations aren’t going to make any
difference. And for all those boycotting Chick-Fil-A, how many of them are
tweeting about it on their iPhones which abuses cheap labor and weak labor laws
in Asia to produce their product. And how many people are driving to work today
using gas which destroys the earth and all that other tree-hugging nonsense.
People need to stop being so self-fucking righteous, stop caring about an old
man who likes the bible and start eating the most delicious foodstuffs on the
planet. If people started boycotting ever corporation that has questionable
morals, we’d all be living in huts, sitting by the fire playing MFK while El
Tigre lets some cave-ho lick his bum.
In summary, don’t go to Chick-Fil-A on Friday if you don’t
want to see obnoxious gays and old religious people making out while you’re
trying to eat a delicious sandwich. I guess I’ll be using the drive thru.
Chikin,
Abe Froman, The Chikin King of the Universe
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