The Transition Game

Morning Gents,

It's been a while since I've decided to paint a canvas of knowledge on here for all the reliable bros, and puny chumps that come to Pukey for all things right with the world. Btw, if you do one of the following 3 things please stop reading immediately and go to www.internshipsurvivalguide.blogspot.com

1) Watch the "Big Bang Theory"
2) Use the term "Besties"to describe your friends, or in fact, use it at all
3) Use instagram because it makes brings out the sheltered artist inside of you

Alright, now that we have that cleared up, I'd like to hit you all with a topic thats very near and dear to my heart, as I'm sure it will be to many of you soon enough: a transition into the real world. Flying high off the best 6 months of my life that included multiple drinking vacations featuring a beach, minimal responsibilities, and spending every moment with my best friends enjoying the simple things in life like the taste of a nice toll-house cookie after some adventures with green technology or a nice fresh big whiskey on a hot summer day I can say that I was a bit depressed about graduating college, the most bro-friendly place on earth. My depression quickly subsided the first month of summer: I don't begin work until next week, and, although I couldn't quite live the same college dream at home, I made the best of a bad situation: waking up late, drinking early and often, enjoying the parental paid amenities of the country club snack bar and golf course. Aside from my Ma who occasionally got too cocky demanding outlandish things of me, like doing my own laundry or making myself lunch, I was able to stave off 'real world transition' depression a while longer, but that feeling's starting to set back in again as I pack my life away into boxes and prepare to become a slave to the man for the next 6 years of my life until I find a really wealthy wife who's Dad is fully prepared to bequeath all of his wealth to me.

Luckily, since I'm a bro, as are most of you assuming all the instagram users are now reading my retarded friends stupid website, we realize that as bros we take every situation with head-on since we're the smartest most intelligent people on earth and don't succumb to the sadness of depression related emotions unless it involves running out of beer before midnight or the retirement of your favorite professional athletes. Preparing to enter into the real world I've made myself a list of things to help make this transition less daunting, and I believe remembering these few simple points will help bros thrive in the real world just as they have college.

1) In the real world "coolness" especially amongst slam pieces now relates to how successful you are and not how many beers you can drink. Although at first this may seem daunting for bros, because well, we're the best beer drinkers in the milky way, we also have to remember that do to our personable characteristics, seamless connections, and incredibly intelligent qualities we are set up to be richer and more successful then all those chums who probably got better grades in us in high school and college at the expense of learning how the world really works outside a book.

2) Now that we have money you can pretty much pay anyone to do anything for you: Now, this is awesome. I'm going to put this pretty simply in terms of one of my least favorite tasks, laundry. First of all, everyone knows that laundry is generally a task reserved for girlfriends and moms, but, at college especially, us bros often find ourselves doing our own laundry. I know we've all been pushed to the limits, buying clothes when the hampers full just to stave off laundry for another day. Luckily, now that we're all working bros and have a shit ton of money, we can pay anyone to do anything for us, including laundry. This principle applies to just about everything. Realizing how nice it is to have an excess amount of cash flow thats all to yours, especially when you're in your young 20s and have very minimal expenses really opens up the world to you.

3) Girls are entering what I like to call, "The Second Coming." Last but not least, we have to dedicate some time to the second golden age for women, their early-to-mid 20s. If you really take close note in the progression of women, they really are at their finest right when they enter college. Not only are they fresh off the streets, but they haven't been exposed to four years of excessive drinking, minimal exercise, and late night eating so their figures are still in great shape. Although some girls are able to withstand the inevitable weight gain that girls experience in college most succumb to the pressures of late night dominoes. Thrust into the real world, probably with some job and lifestyle in Manhattan that their daddy bought for them, girls quickly lose weight and revert back to their pre-college form, only more mature and filled out looking, returning them to a golden age of good looks. They also start getting worried about being alone forever and are thus more likely to give it up easily for a few drinks at the bar. This is another thing bros transitioning to the real world can take solace in as they climb the next mountain in their lives.

I believe that if you keep these three simple things in mind anytime you may get a little nervous or unsettled about leaving college behind and writing a new chapter in your bible you'll be able to conquer any challenge thats out their waiting for you. Just like LeBron was able to make a seamless transition from highschool to the NBA, you'll be able to thrive in your life changes as well.


-Dicky Fuld

Get Me Outta Here!

(Quick note: I realize I am currently the only contributor so far this summer. I guess our buddies 19th, Thaddeus, Dickey and Too Bored are too busy being in the real world to be posting regularly. I don’t really care, as I need this as therapy for getting through these brutal intern days. Hopefully we will be adding some hot up-and-coming intern talent soon)
Everybody has been there before. You just had a miserable semester, you couldn’t get any ass, you got busted for an underage, and your grades are suspect. A good buddy had to leave school for the semester because Public Safety doesn’t really appreciate having their car urinated on. You still get reminded on a daily basis about that time you vomited on the hot freshman you got back into your room, which was shaping up to be the hook up equivalent of a half-tard winning the Super Bowl twice (looking at you, Eli), until you blew it harder than Jenna Jameson in “Deepthroat.” All of this and you’re in the middle of Finals week. You have 5 exams and 3 papers due, which makes no logical sense considering you only have 4 classes. All you can think is “I can’t wait to get out of this place.”

At the time, this sounds like a logical desire. You are unhappy, overworked and a semester’s worth of debauchery is really starting to catch up with your once seemingly invincible body. A little rest could really go a long way for your physical and mental states. So you get home, and you feel pretty good. Mom’s cooking is really hitting the spot, and it’s nice to see your family. But after day 3 of watching Law and Order: SVU marathons on USA while downing a box of Coco-Puffs, things aren’t looking as gravy as you thought they were. This is when the inevitable, “I can’t fucking wait to get back to school” thoughts start racing through your head. You think you may be alone in this mindset, because all of your friends were dying for the semester to end just like you. However, 2 nights on Facebook chat make you realize that all your friends are thinking the exact same thing.

There are a bunch of factors that contribute to this swift change of mind, but none more important than the one universal truth: College is fucking awesome. Yeah, you may still “like” your home friends, but there’s no substitute for blacking out 4 nights a week with a bunch of dudes just looking to do the same surrounded by a seemingly endless supply of attractive women. Even when times are rough at school, you always have the outlet of huge house parties with good friends with very few other commitments. (Let’s face it, 4 classes a week are a joke. And if you’re the schmeeb who’s busy as hell cause you’re involved in like a million extra-curriculars at COLLEGE, get off this blog cause you just don’t fucking get it. Extra-curriculars are meant for getting into college, nobody actually enjoys that shit.) At home, you are subject to constant parental scrutiny, who constantly want you to do “something productive.” Well, to most college age males, “productive” is playing Edward 40 hands right after a few rounds of Thunderstruck. Hell, I’d say the most productive thing I’ve ever seen was watching my buddy Ivan Drago finish a 30 rack in under 3 hrs while locked in a freezer. So yeah, dealing with your parents and that communication disconnect can be pretty annoying.

I suffer from a boring home town, strict parents and a well-documented brain meltingly mindless internship. So this phenomenon is even worse for me. Fortunately, I am a pretty intelligent guy. I’m also a nice fella, too. So I figure the best thing for me to do is give some suggestions on how to make the summer go by as quickly and enjoyably as possible.

First, plan a bunch of trips to see college friends on the weekends. This is essentially like a coke head trying to get his fix by blowing some addy, nowhere near the real thing, but still fun enough to enjoy and whet your appetite. Large gatherings at beach houses or your loaded buddy’s mansion are the best, most fun options.  Second, watch a lot of Law and Order. It’s always on and always entertaining. This is a scientific fact. Third, try to find some home ass. I understand that not everybody is suave with the ladies, and I have never successfully found home ass on any extended break from school, but I would imagine having a lady friend would be a very enjoyable time consumer. A classy date here or there and some good old fashioned boot kickin’ would make time at home fly (Note: This is entirely an assumption.) Fourth, go to as many concerts as possible. Summer time is best when enjoyed out in the sun with some friends listening to great music while inebriated. Word of advice, this and option number 1 can be easily combined into one big ball of fun.

That’s all I got really. I gotta get back to work and don’t feel like thinking of other things, at least its a start. I realize that not EVERYONE will share my sentiments as some people may actually enjoy being home, which is simply a foreign concept to me. In the end, you just gotta put your head down and get through the summer as quickly as possible. It may take a while, but at least there is that light at the end of the tunnel. Sooner or later, you will be convincing your buddy that it’s a great idea to jump off the roof into a mound of hay after chugging a beer, and all will be right in the world.

-The Sausage King of Chicago

Yes, I would "S" his "D": A Die-hard NBA fan's analysis of Lebron James

As a die-hard NBA fan and a huge Lebron James supporter since the day he was drafter, I feel I have to write about the NBA finals, even though anybody who has ever watched a game of basketball will be doing the same today. Lebron has gone through more public scrutiny than any other star athlete in any sport. Ever. In history. I’m not talking about personal life criticism like with Mike Tyson or Tiger Woods. I’m talking about criticism of on-court play and off-court, yet still basketball related, issues. People criticized him for being selfish, narcissistic, cowardly and unable to handle the pressure of being the star of an NBA team. People saw the flight to Miami as a cop-out, saying Lebron could never win on his own. Well, nobody in NBA history has EVER won one on his own. The 76ers tried that with Allen Iverson, and all they got was one win in an NBA finals series. People kept on claiming that Jordan would have never joined Magic or Bird, or vice versa. Well, Jordan had Pippen, Bird had Kevin Mchale and Robert Parish (he also played with 6 other hall of famers in his career), Magic had Kareem and James Worthy. You remember who Lebron had? Mo Williams, Antwoine Jamison, Anderson Varejo, Fat Shaq, no future high draft picks and no salary cap freedom for years to come. Who in their right mind would have stayed there? The Cleveland front office, in a panicked attempt to keep Lebron in Clevland and try to win a championship as soon as possible, sacrificed the future and made poor decisions that set the franchise back multiple years. Lebron tried doing it on his own from 2007, when the young Cavs got swept by the Spurrs in the Finals, until he left. Had Lebron stayed in Cleveland, he would have struggled for years to keep a mediocre team in contention for a title single-handedly, which he could do, but they would never be the favorites. The dude sacrificed statistics and money to try to win a championship, bucking the NBA stereotype of being selfish, caring only about stats and money instead of championships.

Was “The Decision" a terrible idea and in very poor taste? Absolutely. However, it is important to make a distinction between “The Decision” and the decision. As stated above, Lebron NEEDED to leave Cleveland. Forget “what he owed the fans” and the organization. He owed Dan Gilbert, an incredibly shitty owner and douchebag, and that terrible front office nothing. He made a choice in the best interest of his career. Lebron, much more Magic Johnson than he has ever been Michael Jordan, wanted to be in a situation with high quality teammates that he could make better. Did you watch that game last night? When people will speak of the Heat’s hot streak from the 3-point line, I really hope they will give Lebron most of that credit. When the Thunder tried to double him, he found the open man every single time. Lebron’s ability to distribute and hit guys with perfect passes might be his best basketball skill. He can score 30 any night he wants, but doing so would limit his potential as a player.

People always talk about how Lebron needs to be more like Jordan. He needs to take over games late and run up his scoring numbers. Well, there are many ways to take over a game, and I’d rather have a guy who can score AND be one of the game’s best passers any day over a guy who plays hero ball. Phil Jackson recently said he wished he could have gotten Kobe to play more like Lebron, and thinks anybody who says the opposite is dead wrong. Interesting that one of the best basketball minds of the past 20+ years states what should be so blatantly obvious to any basketball fan.

The biggest issue is the myth of Michael Jordan. People have selective memories when thinking of Jordan, often citing the end of game shots he hit during his many playoff runs to win the “big one.” They rarely talk about all the shots he passed up to the likes of Steve Kerr, John Paxton and Toni Kukoc to win games. We have made Jordan this untouchable, mythical creature who imposed his will on every game, never had a bad one and scored every point his team ever scored. It’s just simply not true. Jordan did not start winning championships until he started trusting his teammates and becoming a more complete player, something Lebron has been his entire career. As a basketball fan, I can’t believe how some people fail to appreciate all the amazing things he can do. With a now dominate low post game, the only weakness he has is his mildly inconsistent outside shooting. It is unbelievable all the things the Heat asked him to do in this playoff run. Take the tipoff when Bosh was hurt, bring up the ball when Mario Chalmers was getting a breather, guard Paul Peirce, oh wait now Keving Garnett, Oh, Rondo is going off? Guard him. Now you gotta man up Kevin Durant. But now Westbrook is going off, so you can start guarding him. Go down low and play like a 4. Average almost a triple double. He did everything short of ascending into heaven after the final whistle blew last night. As someone who loves playing and watching basketball, it is just truly amazing all the things he can do.

Lebron developed the stigma of choker because of the last series of his last two playoff runs. People said he couldn’t win the big one and crumbled under pressure in clutch end of game situations. Those critics also had selective memories, forgetting Lebron’s dominate game 6 against the Pistons in 2007, where he scored something like the teams last 27 points (I don’t feel like looking this up), or the dominate series he had in last year’s Eastern Conference Finals against the Bulls. He had two bad series, both coming when he was caring too much about off court issues(where he was going to go asa free agent, then what everyone thought about him during last years finals) and all of a sudden the dude was a joke in the big game. He came back refocused on what mattered and got back to playing as the most gifted basketball player who has ever lived.

I think that Lebron will go on to win at least 2 more championships and maybe more. He finally won the big one, and he is too good and too smart not to do it again. He did it his way, and he will keep doing that. There will continue to be people wanting to take away from Lebron, saying he needed Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh to win a championship (everybody needs somebody), he only has one (That’ll change soon enough), that he should have stayed in Cleveland (why?), and whatever else they can think of to take away from him.

He will never be Jordan, people will say. No he won’t. He will be Lebron James.

-Honest Abe

Internship Time Killers

Well, its that time of year again. Internships are in high demand in this day and age, however, I don’t really understand why.  This is my second one and I spend more time picking my nose than doing any actual meaningful work here. I felt it would be appropriate to provide a list of safe activities any bored intern can partake in to make the disastrously long day go by quicker. Here they are:

1)      The “How Much Water Can I Drink In a Day Game”- This game is an internship time killer classic. It provides multiple benefits. It’s a healthy way to prepare your liver for the weekend. It also creates two forms of time killing: getting up to get more water and a plethora of bathroom breaks. 

2)      gChat- Most offices don’t allow access to social media websites, and if they do, you don’t want to be the Jabroni caught stalking that hot girl from your freshman hall when your boss walks into your cubicle. gChat allows you to chat with friends who also have mind numbingly boring internships in a relatively safe environment. Most offices frown upon personal emails in the office, but most people understand you’re an intern with nothing to do, so looking through personal emails shouldn’t be an issue, especially since everyone does it anyway.

3)      Office Supply Art Gallery- When Most interns come to work, there is an abundance of office supplies waiting in that hell hole of a cubicle they get. These supplies provide unlimited artistic possibilities if you just get creative. Rubberbands, paperclips, staplers, paper, highlighters, you name it, are all waiting to be a part of your next beautiful office masterpiece. Be careful not to get too extravagant, as anyone walking by will notice the lifesize SpongeBob SquarePants sculpture you’re making and begin to wonder why exactly they even have interns.

4)      Cubicle pranks- pranking fellow interns or young new hires while they leave their cubicle unattended can provide endless fun. Simple things that can go relatively unnoticed like unhinging a chair, putting post it notes all throughout the drawers of a desk, rearranging all the items in the cubicle or putting up borderline inappropriate pictures in the cubicle are all solid options. Each office/ office atmosphere is different though, so be careful and use your best judgment. You don’t wanna take it too far. The only thing worse than having the most boring job you’ll ever have in your life is getting fired from the most boring job you’ve ever had in your life.

5)      Laps around the office- This is a good way to stay in shape and get out of that stupid cubicle. It's fun to try and see if anybody notices you the 5^th time you’ve walked past their desk in 25 minutes (Hint: they probably won’t). When you’re walking around an office, people always assume you’re on the move to do something important. Carry a notebook or some paperwork to display an even more believable image.

6)      Start Smoking Cigarettes- I am not positive, but I am pretty sure offices are required to allow you a certain number of 15 minute smoke breaks per day. If you just want to stand outside for 15 minutes, they can fire your ass, but if you want to damage your health and destroy your lungs, you are by all means allowed to do so. Fucked up and unfair? Yeah, probably. But hey, ya gotta work to beat the system. Trust me, the lung and heart problems that may occur later in life are far better than the monotony of your stupid meaningless internship.

7)      Do some work occasionally- I guess that’s why they are paying you to be there.

8)      Office Dumps- While most people are hesitant to take shits in public toilets, the office dump is a great way to kill time. You can get your smartphone out and surf Facebook and twitter. And it essentially makes you a professional defecator, since you’re being paid to take that shit. Drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes and eating unhealthy can help you prepare enough ammunition to take out a small country. Happy Shitting!

9)      Listen to Podcasts- Most internship work is simple enough that you are permitted to plug in an iPod while you do it. While listening to music can be entertaining, it is not as good of a time killer as listening to your favorite morning radio show, comedian or sports analyst do a podcast. Be careful not to listen to anything too funny, as laughing incessantly during a podcast will make your co-workers think you’re mind numbing internship has driven you to insanity and you’ll probably have to meet with HR.

10)   Start writing a blog- how do you think Pukey got started…