Everybody has been there before. You just had a miserable semester, you couldn’t get any ass, you got busted for an underage, and your grades are suspect. A good buddy had to leave school for the semester because Public Safety doesn’t really appreciate having their car urinated on. You still get reminded on a daily basis about that time you vomited on the hot freshman you got back into your room, which was shaping up to be the hook up equivalent of a half-tard winning the Super Bowl twice (looking at you, Eli), until you blew it harder than Jenna Jameson in “Deepthroat.” All of this and you’re in the middle of Finals week. You have 5 exams and 3 papers due, which makes no logical sense considering you only have 4 classes. All you can think is “I can’t wait to get out of this place.”
At the time, this sounds like a logical desire. You are
unhappy, overworked and a semester’s worth of debauchery is really starting to
catch up with your once seemingly invincible body. A little rest could really
go a long way for your physical and mental states. So you get home, and you
feel pretty good. Mom’s cooking is really hitting the spot, and it’s nice to
see your family. But after day 3 of watching Law and Order: SVU marathons on
USA while downing a box of Coco-Puffs, things aren’t looking as gravy as you
thought they were. This is when the inevitable, “I can’t fucking wait to get
back to school” thoughts start racing through your head. You think you may be
alone in this mindset, because all of your friends were dying for the semester
to end just like you. However, 2 nights on Facebook chat make you realize that
all your friends are thinking the exact same thing.
There are a bunch of factors that contribute to this swift change
of mind, but none more important than the one universal truth: College is
fucking awesome. Yeah, you may still “like” your home friends, but there’s no
substitute for blacking out 4 nights a week with a bunch of dudes just looking
to do the same surrounded by a seemingly endless supply of attractive women.
Even when times are rough at school, you always have the outlet of huge house
parties with good friends with very few other commitments. (Let’s face it, 4
classes a week are a joke. And if you’re the schmeeb who’s busy as hell cause
you’re involved in like a million extra-curriculars at COLLEGE, get off this
blog cause you just don’t fucking get it. Extra-curriculars are meant for
getting into college, nobody actually enjoys that shit.) At home, you are
subject to constant parental scrutiny, who constantly want you to do “something
productive.” Well, to most college age males, “productive” is playing Edward 40
hands right after a few rounds of Thunderstruck. Hell, I’d say the most
productive thing I’ve ever seen was watching my buddy Ivan Drago finish a 30
rack in under 3 hrs while locked in a freezer. So yeah, dealing with your
parents and that communication disconnect can be pretty annoying.
I suffer from a boring home town, strict parents and a well-documented
brain meltingly mindless internship. So this phenomenon is even worse for me. Fortunately,
I am a pretty intelligent guy. I’m also a nice fella, too. So I figure the best
thing for me to do is give some suggestions on how to make the summer go by as
quickly and enjoyably as possible.
First, plan a bunch of trips to see college friends on the
weekends. This is essentially like a coke head trying to get his fix by blowing
some addy, nowhere near the real thing, but still fun enough to enjoy and whet
your appetite. Large gatherings at beach houses or your loaded buddy’s mansion
are the best, most fun options. Second,
watch a lot of Law and Order. It’s always on and always entertaining. This is a
scientific fact. Third, try to find some home ass. I understand that not
everybody is suave with the ladies, and I have never successfully found home
ass on any extended break from school, but I would imagine having a lady friend
would be a very enjoyable time consumer. A classy date here or there and some
good old fashioned boot kickin’ would make time at home fly (Note: This is
entirely an assumption.) Fourth, go to as many concerts as possible. Summer
time is best when enjoyed out in the sun with some friends listening to great
music while inebriated. Word of advice, this and option number 1 can be easily
combined into one big ball of fun.
That’s all I got really. I gotta get back to work and don’t
feel like thinking of other things, at least its a start. I realize that not EVERYONE will share my
sentiments as some people may actually enjoy being home, which is simply a
foreign concept to me. In the end, you just gotta put your head down and get
through the summer as quickly as possible. It may take a while, but at least
there is that light at the end of the tunnel. Sooner or later, you will be
convincing your buddy that it’s a great idea to jump off the roof into a mound
of hay after chugging a beer, and all will be right in the world.
-The Sausage King of Chicago
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