Politics and Strawberry Lemonade

Today I want to talk about three things: politics, the stupidity of women, and what happens when women are stupid after you talked to other women about politics. While many of you probably think that these have absolutely no relation, I aim to prove that they do.

               

Politics: America’s way of showing other countries that they can take us over one day. Also, America’s way of proving that money is far and away the most important factor of deciding who is important. While I can’t lie that most politicians are smart people, society has to realize that all they do is figure out the best way to lie so that they can get votes. This is why I support my main man, the Libertarian candidate for president, Governor Gary Johnson. This dude is legit. The brodidate. He’s not mormon, he won’t raise taxes, and he’s probably been balls deep in your girlfriend. He has climbed Mount Everest. He wants women to be able to abort their babies at will. He has competed in the Iron Man, and has never ever voted on a tax increase. He wants to legalize marijuana. Why would you not vote for this guy? If you knock a girl up, the fetus is gone, and gone cheaply. If you make a lot of money, he won’t take it from you, because he is probably on top of a fucking mountain, high as a kite. Gary Johnson: ultimate bro.

Alright, Thaddeus, get off of Gary’s dick. Why are women stupid? Because last weekend I went into a bar seeking out women. My pickup tale? My buddy and I worked on Gary Johnson’s campaign. A simple wiki search 5 minutes before we went out was enough to provide at least ten minutes of bullshit about him. Not only were women dumb enough to believe this, but they were dumb enough to make a promise to us that they were going to vote for him in the upcoming election. They were then dumb enough to take tequila shots Project X style off of our necks and mouths. Probably the funniest part of this to me is that I am located in a city where the only politician stupid enough to campaign here is Reverend Al Sharpton. I also made it clear to these girls that Johnson is the governor of New Mexico, which is a solid 1500 miles away from where I am. Next time, I’m going to say that I work at area 51 in Roswell, New Mexico. Probably just as believable.

                

What happened to me the next weekend? Well, I used the Gary Johnson line again many times, and it continued to work.  Unfortunately, I didn’t get with any of the Gary Johnson girls. Instead, I blacked out, and ended up back in my apartment with a female friend of mine, coming out of my black out in the middle of some intense cunnilingus. (Classic.) Like, I was standing up, getting real into it. (More classic.) She leaves, and I wake up the next morning with a foul taste in my mouth. I look down at the sheets. What was once white is now tainted with a large blob of maroon. All I’ll say is that this was not strawberry lemonade. I put two and two together and, well, let’s just say that I’m disgusted with myself. I'm not  a vampire, especially not when I'm down south. What makes me feel better about it? I know for a fact that Gary Johnson must have been in the same situation in his younger years. Shit, he probably does it for fun. That was for you, Gary.

Gary Johnson 2012.

I Don't Care About Your Man-Meat, I Care About My Meat, Man

If there is one thing in life I know to be true, it is that politics and poultry should never be mixed. Ever. This is why all of this hull-a-baloo about Chick-Fil-A is especially upsetting for me. As you all know, Dan Cathy, the CEO for a company that doesn’t open on Sundays out of respect for God’s day (aren’t all days God’s? If I were God, I’d want all the days to be mine) admitted that he does not support gay marriage. In other breaking news, Osama Bin Laden didn’t like America, bears do indeed shit in the woods and Allen Iverson has swag. Honestly, who thought that Cathy would be all about dudes tying the knot? Now, the liberal media has gotten all crazy upset, which has made Mike Huckabee and the religious right all pissed. There are protests, and protests of protests, which have triggered a weird protest of the protest of the original protest. Its called Chick-Fil-Gay (the most creative protest name of all time!) and it is bound to occur this Friday. Basically, LGBT people are going to go to Chick-Fil-A and make out in their restaurants to make everyone in the world feel uncomfortable. Their hope is probably to get videotaped getting thrown out of Chick-Fil-A to show how bigoted the staff is, when really they will be being thrown out for loitering, making a scene and not being a customer. And now, apparently the other side plans to go and make out with their opposite sex partners as a protest of the protest which was protesting a counter protest of the original protest. It appears that half the country thinks I’m going to hell if I eat a delicious chikin sandwich, and the other half thinks I’m going to hell if I don’t eat a chickin sandwich.

This is annoying as all hell.  First off, I don’t want to see ANYONE making out in a public fast food restaurant. PDA is creepy and uncomfortable no matter where it is and how many penises are involved. Second, those sandwiches are too delicious for people to draw party lines over. Chick-Fil-A is probably the best thing that religion and the Bible have ever given the world. Have you had one of those sandwiches? They are the best food on Earth. They are probably more miraculous than the Immaculate Conception, Jesus’ resurrection and the 1980 US Men’s hockey team combined. Slab some BBQ sauce on those bad boys and you’re in for a half-chub every time. I once ate a Chick-Fil-A number one with no pickles and BBQ sauce 5 days straight at work. For all of those now boycotting the restaurant, all I can say is you’re stupid and now it’s more chikin for me.  

I don’t want to get super political, as I hate politics and everything the major news networks and politicians pretend to stand for, but I find it absurd that people are so appalled by one man’s political views. So he is old school and religious and thinks it should be Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Big whoop.  And with news coming out that Chick-Fil-A donates some of its profits to anti-LGBT organizations, I guess the boycotts make some more sense, but that still doesn’t mean Chick-Fil-A should be demonized as some hate mongering, terrible organization. They just don’t want dudes getting married, which is going to be a reality in the next 10-15 years anyway. These donations aren’t going to make any difference. And for all those boycotting Chick-Fil-A, how many of them are tweeting about it on their iPhones which abuses cheap labor and weak labor laws in Asia to produce their product. And how many people are driving to work today using gas which destroys the earth and all that other tree-hugging nonsense. People need to stop being so self-fucking righteous, stop caring about an old man who likes the bible and start eating the most delicious foodstuffs on the planet. If people started boycotting ever corporation that has questionable morals, we’d all be living in huts, sitting by the fire playing MFK while El Tigre lets some cave-ho lick his bum.

In summary, don’t go to Chick-Fil-A on Friday if you don’t want to see obnoxious gays and old religious people making out while you’re trying to eat a delicious sandwich. I guess I’ll be using the drive thru.

Chikin,

Abe Froman, The Chikin King of the Universe

Hoegaarden? Maybe three...

As I sit here, sipping on the wonderful nectar that is a Hoegaarden Belgian Wheat Beer, I realize that the stars have aligned yet again and presented me with a topic to write on. I have a myriad of stories to tell, many of which revolve around exactly what college was to me: a Ho Garden.

Notice the number of beers. Keep this on your noggin.

In any garden, especially that which is full of ho’s, there are many different varieties of species. In college’s case, there are fat ones, skinny ones, insane ones, depressed ones, attention seekers, trolls, slam-pieces, dime-pieces, and one that I happened to encounter three times: those that enjoy coitus in groups of three. (Ironic, I know.) Yes, I have participated in three threesomes.  College is the best time of anyone’s life to experience with things, and I am pleased to say that I did that. Unfortunately for me, two of these threesomes were of the devil’s variety, meaning my buddy and I double teamed a chick, and the one with two females… well, let’s just say they certainly weren’t slam-pieces. Yeah, these were a combo of troll and insane. For now, I will elaborate on my experience with the females, the other stories will come in due time.

I receive a text at approximately 2:40 AM. I’m slam-bastered, talli-wagged, and henceforthed. The text says that “the athlete” (yep, here she is again) and her friend would like to do it weird style, essentially, a little menage-a-trois. Obviously, I hop on over to their pad, as they are roommates, where I find them strumming a ukulele and giggling amongst each other. They say that the night hasn’t gone their way and they are horny and ready for some Bonefish-style sack wrasslin’. It takes me a while to urge them forward to a bedroom, but once we get there, things are going way smoother than I anticipated. So smooth, in fact, that once they’re both naked and laying beneath my loins, I say “Damn, who first?” To which the fatter, smellier one eagerly replies. Classic. From here, the tri-coitus is like regular sex but more fun, even with uglier girls, because there’s new positions and awesomeness to explore. I’m not trying to get people to wank it here, so I’ll leave it out. (Except if you ever have a chance to get double dome and don’t, you’re a regular Lance Bass.)

After session one is where the highlight of this tale takes place. The ukulele comes out. The laptop comes out. Chat roulette is entered in the web browser. Multiple scrolls through people on webcams commence, all astonished that we are naked, a group of three, putting ourselves online for the world to see… with a fucking ukulele. It was funny at first, until there was a dude stroking his dolphin across the interwebs, but displayed on our screen. The girls think that it will be fun to let him direct us, like we’re some type of fucking pawn on a chess board with sexual organs on display. He instructs them to touch me in certain ways, and they obey. Big Brother was watching, and they gave in to his ways. But not me, my friends!!! I am strong, both at heart and at mind! At first this was a humorous gag, but after about a minute of this absurdity, with my soul 70 percent removed from my shock-afflicted body, I exited the browser and regained any bit of dignity I had left. Big Brother would not be watching me today. No, sir.

                Then we did round two.

                Always your boy,

    Thaddeus

Kill Fuck Marry, Pt. 2: Strategy

I know all of you spent the weekend getting too shitfaced to stand up straight, let alone preserve the memory of my last post regarding KFM. So let me refresh your memory: Kill Fuck Marry has been around since the dawn of Mankind and El Tigre is the spawn of retards. That’s about it.

Now that we have gone through my thorough refresher of last week’s post regarding the History of KFM, I am gonna drop some more knowledge for all you wannabe bros out there. This post is devoted entirely to the strategy behind the game KFM.

I am going to break this down in the most simple way that I can as I like to keep my posts short and sweet. We are going to evaluate “Kill” “Fuck” and “Marry” individually and deliberately to fully understand the implications and opportunities that come with each option.

KILL

Now this is by far the most straightforward option in the game. The kill option should be used for one of two scenarios – for a girl that you genuinely hate, or just the girl that doesn’t make the “fuck” or “marry” cut. In one game, it might be understandable for you to kill a perfectly attractive individual because she just isn’t as hot as the girl you would fuck or as domesticated as the girl you would marry. Don’t get down on yourself for choosing to kill a hot/nice female – who you choose to kill is 70% a result of the other 2 people, rather than the girl herself.

FUCK

This brings me to the most complicated section of the game. Without a doubt, the girl you choose to fuck can be for a variety of reasons that I could never dream to cover in a single blog. So I am just going to convey my one and simple rule to all you schmeebs reading my blog right now: when confronted with a game of KFM, just be prepared to justify your decision of who to engage in coitus with. Whether it be a hate fuck or you decide to bang your ex’s best friend to get back at her – there are a variety of reasons why you would want to fuck a girl. Just be prepared to defend your assertion. If given a choice to fuck a really hot girl who sucks (not even in a cool way) or a girl who is decently attractive but really cool – I personally am a big believer in hate fucking the shit out of the hot bitch. Let some other dickbrain kill her.

But before I go on to “marry,” I feel as though I need to make a disclaimer about what I mean by “hate fuck.” I am not talking about beating a girl up while bumping uglies; rather, hate fucking is about demoralization. Spray your boner juice in her eye. That’s always a great go to. But be creative. There isn’t one defined way to hate fuck, just go with your instincts.

Marry

This one is more complex than you may think. You gotta take into consideration all the things that go into a marriage: finances, sex (you would have to have sex with this broad a few times at the very least), domestication, and general personality. My ideal “marry” candidate is someone who I can make me a grilled cheese while simultaneously giving me a blumpkin and raking in some money from the trust fund her parents set up for her. Unlike the other two categories, for me, this requires the most well-rounded candidate. You can fuck a deaf, dumb, and blind chick who happens to be very hot. You can kill a hot chick who is a total bitch. But to marry a girl, you truly have to take a combination of factors into consideration. In my experience playing this game, I have found that most guys seem to have a set group of females that exemplify the traits for the “marry” category. Even though I’m not trying to tie the knot anytime soon, I’ve got a solid 4 or 5 women that go into the “marry” category 95% of the time that they are in the game.

In summation, “Kill Fuck Marry” isn’t just about making the hottest girl “F,” the “nice girl” “M,” and the ugly one “K.” Its about making a decision that defines you. Take this game seriously. Your father, your fathers father, and your fathers fathers before him played this game and they played it with pride. Unless you are a Tard. Then your ancestors just sat in the corner and drooled while the real bros talked about doing the horizontal tango.

Trust me, I’m a Doctor.

-Dr. Red

P.S. – Sometimes you should consider letting Tards play KFM with you. It can be fun to see what kind of fucked up logic these dickbrains come up with. Great example: El Tigre would rather fuck a dude than marry a girl that won’t lick his butthole.

Homeless or Retarded?

Mr. Froman's earlier post analyzing the "Would you rather shart or vomit randomly?" sent me on a tangent of "would you rather" scenarios. One presented to me by a friend of me warrants further analysis. He asked, "Would you rather be homeless or retarded?"Before we move forward, I want to present the conditions for both scenarios. Homeless, in the context of this article, refers to the following conditions:

1. Lacking a home
2. Living in an urban area
3. Having a few homeless friends
4. Being of average intelligence
5. Being largely unaware of the benefits of having lots of money. I understand all homeless people probably wish they had a home, but they also probably don't realize all of the smaller benefits of being wealthy.

And for retarded, the conditions are as follows:

1. Being far below average intelligence
2. Having a home and all of the benefits of a completely normal upbringing
3. Having friends of normal intelligence
4. And, for those of you who have family members or relatives who are actually mentally challenged, as I do, this is not about them. Its about that "retarded" friend everyone has.

As we go on, I will be referencing my retarded friend in order to present my argument. From here on out, my retarded friend will be referred to as "El Tigre."

Under the aforementioned conditions, I think both being homeless and being El Tigre have their various pros and cons. As for being homeless, the cons are rather obvious. First, you are without a home. Second, you see people on a daily basis more well off than you. The benefits of being homeless, though, are more surprising. Being homeless would mean a lack of any sort of unnecessary material possession. While this seems like a negative, I think that a homeless person is far more appreciative and understanding of the blessings of life. Also, as I mentioned before, homeless people are generally unaware of the finer things in life. Ignorance is bliss.

El Tigre, though retarded, does lead the life of a normal person. Because of his upbringing, he can go to college, have friends, and get a job. All of these things seem to overwhelming tip the scale in El Tigre's favor. In the same way, however, that a homeless person consistently sees more well off individuals and is reminded of their poor socioeconomic status, El Tigre is surrounded constantly by those more intelligent, and is reminded of his poor intellectual standing within society. Therefore both El Tigre and the homeless man experience similar self-depreciating effects as a result of just living.

El Tigre does come with additional cons though. While most people wouldn't insult a homeless person for being homeless, many people, in fact most people, will insult El Tigre for being stupid. This, on top of the constant recognition of more intelligent life forms around him, can make life even tougher for El Tigre than a homeless person. Now, accounting for the fact that El Tigre has a normal life and family to fall back on, I think that the negative mental impacts of social interactions between El Tigre and a homeless person are about equal. In addition, if El Tigre happened to walk by a homeless person holding a sign that said "Need money for food" while reading a newspaper, El Tigre might realize that even the homeless man can read and write, causing the scales of social happiness to tip toward our homeless friend.

Going back to the point I made earlier, though, for most homeless people ignorance is bliss. While aware they are homeless, they are generally unaware of the many small spoils of the wealthy life, and for that reason it doesn't particularly upset them. El Tigre, though, while presented with all of the many finer things in life, may struggle to gain the same appreciation for them as his friends of average intelligence.  This could lead to a whirlpool of self-loathing and the inability to even coexist with others of normal intelligence,  or even the sprouting of an unsightly cowlick.

Also, the living accomodations of a homeless person vary greatly by geographical location. While this can be a negative or a positive, the downsides of being retarded impact El Tigre regardless of location. A homeless person can escape the cold, but El Tigre can't escape his intellectual inferiority.

For this reason, I would choose to be homeless instead of retarded. The ability to read, write, comprehend ideas, communicate with others, and close doors, for me, presents a more fulfilling life than one filled with jokes going over my head, people wondering how I got where I did in life, and generally not really having idea or appreciation for what the fuck is going on.

Kill Fuck Marry, Part 1: A History

               Some may call it juvenile. If you are a feminist, you probably label it barbaric. But if you have a soul and enjoy a game that both challenges you intellectually and makes you fully evaluate your status as a poon-slaying bro king, then you obviously have played your fair share of “Kill Fuck Marry.”

                Since the dawn of mankind, bros have existed for one reason and one reason only: to pack boxes and create little bros that will carry on your legacy. Do you honestly think that there weren’t cavemen who competed with other guys over the hairy cavewomen? Obviously they hadn’t invented fake boobs, Brazilian waxes, or blumpkins yet – but they still were on a never ending hunt for that ever-elusive dank poontang. As such, it only makes sense that these dudes obviously gathered around the fire at night with some dinosaur haunches roasting and debating whose bitch was the best lay. It was here that Kill Fuck Marry was invented.

                Now it is important to make the distinction between the cavemen who played this game and the cavemen who didn’t. You may ask your self: “Dr. Red, why would this matter?” Well, listen up dickholes because I’m about to drop some serious knowledge on your dome. There were 3 different types of cavemen back in the day:

1)      The Man: this guy was down to hunt and fuck. Nothing else. You think this guy got poon? Of course he did. He never knew about eating pussy because he never had to. Just BJ on BJ on BJ. When he brought back that freshly butchered Wooly Mammoth leg, the bitches of the tribe/village/group would be all over this guy. The Man would only fraternize with other guys who fit his description, and in these groups KFM truly became a game that exemplified competition and intellectual strength. Bros are descendants of these Gods.

2)      The Pussy: This guy was too busy gathering herbs (not even the cool kind) and flowers to get pussy. Even in cavemen time where all you had to do was look at a girl to get her on her knees, this guy couldn’t score. If you know someone in PETA , the Occupy Wall Street Movement, or someone that lives in France, there is a 99% chance that they are descendants of the Pussies.

3)      The Tard: This guy was just drooling in the corner, but one day the Man started  enjoying his company because he is funny to laugh at. As a result, he gave him food and even gave him a woman from time to time. It is from this charity that the Tard was able to procreate. If you have a friend that is literally too dumb to close the door behind him, spell “straight,” “blonde,” or prefers getting his asshole eaten out over having sex, he is most definitely a descendant of a Tard.

Now that you have that little history lesson, I can move on to the evolution of KFM. The bros that invented the game (the Men from above) finally figured out that they needed to compete with other Men about whose girl was the best looking or was the best lay. The rest is history. One guy said some bitch was so ugly that he’d rather kill her than fuck her and then another dude said that marrying the broad would be better than killing her because her ability to clean up the cave was prime. Even back in the day, Men knew that a woman needed to be in prime cooking/cleaning mode in order to be a good wife.

Throughout the years, this game has held on to its original and true goal: bros competing with other bros to establish whose got the best taste in women. Now I’m gonna make a disclaimer here: a lot of the time, bros will disagree on who’d they rather KF or M. Its important to keep an open mind to other bros opinions (although a true bro knows that he is right 100% of the time), because KFM can lead to some genuinely funny conversations.

            Coming up next week will be an in-depth analysis of the strategy behind this ancient sport. Until then, keep on fucking.

The 10 Dumbest Athletes Around

I’m Cape Cod Paul. I love sports and hate dumb people and women (is that redundant?). Here’s a list of my 10 dumbest athletes of all time. In addition, I listed 4 athletes who I think get the most unfair media criticism.

10 Dumbest Athletes

Mark Mcgwire/Barry Bonds/Jose Canseco – Steroids ruined one of the most glorious eras in baseball. The great home run chase of our childhood is forever tainted by these fucking sacks of meat. All three of them are huge cowards and fucking morons. Barry Bonds, in addition to being a cheating sack of shit, was also a huge douchebag and notoriously terrible teammate. Chalk it up to ‘roid rage I guess. What makes these guys some of the dumbest athletes ever, in addition to some of the biggest cheaters, is how they tried to cover it up. McGwire answered every question at his grand jury hearing with “I’m not here to talk about the past.” Yes you are, Mark. That’s the point of the trial. You’re a moron. You are only there to talk about the past, no one gives a shit about your washed up future. Canseco followed it up by writing a book shortly thereafter about how he injected McGwire with steroids. Now, Canseco plays in an independent minor league that doesn’t drug test because he has failed drug tests in every major American and Puerto Rican baseball league. The fact that they have tiny dicks and can’t talk about breaking one of the greatest records in sports, though, is pretty adequate justice.



Dwight Howard - As we are currently in the midst of the Dwight Howard trade saga, this selection probably needs little explanation. This past spring Dwight signed a waiver committing himself to the Orlando Magic through the upcoming season. As soon as this past season ended, Dwight asked to be traded to the Brooklyn Nets. As he belongs to the Magic for another season, because of the waiver Dwight chose to sign, they don’t need to trade him until they get a good offer. They didn’t like the Nets offer, and now Dwight is frustrated. He continues to dominate ESPN and Sportscenter with his gargantuan body and tiny brain and I think I speak for everyone when I say I hope he gets traded to Europe.

Freddie Mitchell – Many of you may have forgotten about “The People’s Champ”. It all began when Freddie made a catch in the 2003-04 NFC divisional playoffs against the Packers on 4^th and 26. The next season, after a divisional playoff win against the Vikings where Mitchell scored two touchdowns, Mitchell said, “I just want to thank my hands for being so great.” Mitchell cemented his stupidity 3 short weeks later in the 2004-05 Super Bowl, making one catch for 11 yards after calling out Patriots safety Rodney Harrison before the game, claiming not to know any member of the Patriots secondary. After the game, Bill Belichick said, “All he does is talk. He’s terrible…I was happy when he was in the game.” If that isn’t insulting enough, “The People’s Champ” was cut from the Eagles and became a substitute teacher. Not intelligent enough to teach, FredEx opened a barbeque restaurant as a front to sell weed. He was recently indicted for tax fraud. I just want to thank karma for being so great.

Adam “Pacman” Jones-

• 04/23/2005 – Drafted Sixth Overall by Tennessee Titans
• 07/2005 – Charged with felony vandalism at a nightclub (For those of you not too familiar with NFL police report lingo, nightclub = strip club)
• 10/2005 – Forgets to meet Probation Officer, sentence extended
• 03/2006 – Marijuana Possession charge
• 08/2006 – Spits on woman at strip club, charged with disorderly conduct and public intoxication
• 10/2006 – Spits in another woman’s face, same old same old
• 02/2007 – Was making it rain at a “nightclub” and was in the midst of a shooting, suspended from NFL for entire 2007 season
• 08/2007 – Debuts as a member of “Team Pacman” with Total Nonstop Action Wrestling. Yes, you read that correctly, he wrestled professionally.
• 01/2008 – Sucker punches stripper in the face
• 10/2008 – Gets drunk and fights his own bodyguards, earns suspension for another entire season

If I counted right, that’s 8 crimes in years. Need I say more?

Andre Dawson – On the list for one reason and one reason only. He (in)famously said “I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.”

I could’ve sworn Sandusky said that.

OJ Simpson – Innocent

Big Ben Roethlisberger – I should preface this with the fact that I hate all Steelers players and fans. In 2006, Roethlisberger crashed his motorcycle in downtown Pittsburgh. Not only was he not wearing helmet, but he didn’t even have a Pennsylvania motorcycle license. After a few more years as an incredibly overrated quarterback, Roethlisberger was accused of sexual assault. While one instance of sexual assault won’t land you on this list (here’s looking at you, Kobe Bryant), Roethlisberger was again accused of sexual assault not even a year later. This, coupled with his decline in performance on the field, coined the slogan, “Throwin’ picks rapin’ chicks.”

Plax - I thought everyone had seen 8 mile.

Metta World Peace – First, there was the Malice at the Palace. After the above event and some uneventful NBA seasons, changes name to Metta World Peace as a representation of his newfound amicable temperament. Then he did this.

Morris Claiborne – Entering the 2012 NFL Draft, Claiborne scored 4 on the Wonderlic test. For those that are unfamiliar with the test, it is scored out of 50. That is an 8%. Claiborne needed to pull a Derrick Rose and get someone to take the test for him. Try the test here. If you don’t score above 10, remove yourself from the gene pool immediately.

4 Athletes who take too much unfair media criticism

John Daly – Everyone hates on him for making statements like this, “I want to gamble and I want to have a few drinks now and then. Basically, it (trying to stay sober) had taken over my life, and I was miserable. It's like I've said before, there's no way I'd never drink again." He gambles and drinks, sounds like a bro to me

Mike Vick – Too many athletes have done way too many worse things for Michael Vick to get shit on the way he does. He messed up, paid his dues to society, and got out. That’s how our country works, and if you don’t like that, leave.

Mike Tyson – I know I know, he sounds retarded and bit off a dudes ear. You could definitely make the case that he should be on the above list, but this is too great.

Pete Rose – If you couldn’t tell from my description of the steroid abusers above, I really hate the people who cheated the entire game of baseball out of its best record. Pete Rose was a terrific baseball player, and made one bad mistake. If any steroid using record breaker makes it to the hall before Pete (likely to happen) baseball is fucked forever.

Ricky Williams – The guy got tired of football and decided he didn’t want to ruin his body playing football. He followed his heart. And his heart told him to smoke weed and teach yoga. I don’t know if you’ve seen his ESPN 30 for 30 (if not, do it) but the guy would casually smoke upwards of 17 joints with his three friends in one sitting. That’s unreal, even by the standards of the Pukey contributors, who, being bros, smoke a lot of weed.

Take it sleazy, CCP out