Some may call it juvenile. If you are a feminist, you
probably label it barbaric. But if you have a soul and enjoy a game that both
challenges you intellectually and makes you fully evaluate your status as a
poon-slaying bro king, then you obviously have played your fair share of “Kill
Fuck Marry.”
Since
the dawn of mankind, bros have existed for one reason and one reason only: to
pack boxes and create little bros that will carry on your legacy. Do you
honestly think that there weren’t cavemen who competed with other guys over the
hairy cavewomen? Obviously they hadn’t invented fake boobs, Brazilian waxes, or
blumpkins yet – but they still were on a never ending hunt for that
ever-elusive dank poontang. As such, it only makes sense that these dudes obviously
gathered around the fire at night with some dinosaur haunches roasting and
debating whose bitch was the best lay. It was here that Kill Fuck Marry was
invented.
Now it
is important to make the distinction between the cavemen who played this game
and the cavemen who didn’t. You may ask your self: “Dr. Red, why would this
matter?” Well, listen up dickholes because I’m about to drop some serious
knowledge on your dome. There were 3 different types of cavemen back in the
day:
1)
The Man: this guy was down to hunt and fuck.
Nothing else. You think this guy got poon? Of course he did. He never knew
about eating pussy because he never had to. Just BJ on BJ on BJ. When he
brought back that freshly butchered Wooly Mammoth leg, the bitches of the
tribe/village/group would be all over this guy. The Man would only fraternize
with other guys who fit his description, and in these groups KFM truly became a
game that exemplified competition and intellectual strength. Bros are
descendants of these Gods.
2)
The Pussy: This guy was too busy gathering herbs
(not even the cool kind) and flowers to get pussy. Even in cavemen time where
all you had to do was look at a girl to get her on her knees, this guy couldn’t
score. If you know someone in PETA , the Occupy Wall Street Movement, or
someone that lives in France, there is a 99% chance that they are descendants
of the Pussies.
3)
The Tard: This guy was just drooling in the
corner, but one day the Man started
enjoying his company because he is funny to laugh at. As a result, he gave
him food and even gave him a woman from time to time. It is from this charity
that the Tard was able to procreate. If you have a friend that is literally too
dumb to close the door behind him, spell “straight,” “blonde,” or prefers getting his asshole eaten out over having sex, he is most
definitely a descendant of a Tard.
Now that you have that little
history lesson, I can move on to the evolution of KFM. The bros that invented
the game (the Men from above) finally figured out that they needed to compete
with other Men about whose girl was the best looking or was the best lay. The
rest is history. One guy said some bitch was so ugly that he’d rather kill her
than fuck her and then another dude said that marrying the broad would be
better than killing her because her ability to clean up the cave was prime.
Even back in the day, Men knew that a woman needed to be in prime
cooking/cleaning mode in order to be a good wife.
Throughout the years, this game has
held on to its original and true goal: bros competing with other bros to
establish whose got the best taste in women. Now I’m gonna make a disclaimer
here: a lot of the time, bros will disagree on who’d they rather KF or M. Its
important to keep an open mind to other bros opinions (although a true bro knows
that he is right 100% of the time), because KFM can lead to some genuinely
funny conversations.
Coming up next week will be an in-depth analysis
of the strategy behind this ancient sport. Until then, keep on fucking.
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