The 10 Dumbest Athletes Around

I’m Cape Cod Paul. I love sports and hate dumb people and women (is that redundant?). Here’s a list of my 10 dumbest athletes of all time. In addition, I listed 4 athletes who I think get the most unfair media criticism.

10 Dumbest Athletes

Mark Mcgwire/Barry Bonds/Jose Canseco – Steroids ruined one of the most glorious eras in baseball. The great home run chase of our childhood is forever tainted by these fucking sacks of meat. All three of them are huge cowards and fucking morons. Barry Bonds, in addition to being a cheating sack of shit, was also a huge douchebag and notoriously terrible teammate. Chalk it up to ‘roid rage I guess. What makes these guys some of the dumbest athletes ever, in addition to some of the biggest cheaters, is how they tried to cover it up. McGwire answered every question at his grand jury hearing with “I’m not here to talk about the past.” Yes you are, Mark. That’s the point of the trial. You’re a moron. You are only there to talk about the past, no one gives a shit about your washed up future. Canseco followed it up by writing a book shortly thereafter about how he injected McGwire with steroids. Now, Canseco plays in an independent minor league that doesn’t drug test because he has failed drug tests in every major American and Puerto Rican baseball league. The fact that they have tiny dicks and can’t talk about breaking one of the greatest records in sports, though, is pretty adequate justice.



Dwight Howard - As we are currently in the midst of the Dwight Howard trade saga, this selection probably needs little explanation. This past spring Dwight signed a waiver committing himself to the Orlando Magic through the upcoming season. As soon as this past season ended, Dwight asked to be traded to the Brooklyn Nets. As he belongs to the Magic for another season, because of the waiver Dwight chose to sign, they don’t need to trade him until they get a good offer. They didn’t like the Nets offer, and now Dwight is frustrated. He continues to dominate ESPN and Sportscenter with his gargantuan body and tiny brain and I think I speak for everyone when I say I hope he gets traded to Europe.

Freddie Mitchell – Many of you may have forgotten about “The People’s Champ”. It all began when Freddie made a catch in the 2003-04 NFC divisional playoffs against the Packers on 4^th and 26. The next season, after a divisional playoff win against the Vikings where Mitchell scored two touchdowns, Mitchell said, “I just want to thank my hands for being so great.” Mitchell cemented his stupidity 3 short weeks later in the 2004-05 Super Bowl, making one catch for 11 yards after calling out Patriots safety Rodney Harrison before the game, claiming not to know any member of the Patriots secondary. After the game, Bill Belichick said, “All he does is talk. He’s terrible…I was happy when he was in the game.” If that isn’t insulting enough, “The People’s Champ” was cut from the Eagles and became a substitute teacher. Not intelligent enough to teach, FredEx opened a barbeque restaurant as a front to sell weed. He was recently indicted for tax fraud. I just want to thank karma for being so great.

Adam “Pacman” Jones-

• 04/23/2005 – Drafted Sixth Overall by Tennessee Titans
• 07/2005 – Charged with felony vandalism at a nightclub (For those of you not too familiar with NFL police report lingo, nightclub = strip club)
• 10/2005 – Forgets to meet Probation Officer, sentence extended
• 03/2006 – Marijuana Possession charge
• 08/2006 – Spits on woman at strip club, charged with disorderly conduct and public intoxication
• 10/2006 – Spits in another woman’s face, same old same old
• 02/2007 – Was making it rain at a “nightclub” and was in the midst of a shooting, suspended from NFL for entire 2007 season
• 08/2007 – Debuts as a member of “Team Pacman” with Total Nonstop Action Wrestling. Yes, you read that correctly, he wrestled professionally.
• 01/2008 – Sucker punches stripper in the face
• 10/2008 – Gets drunk and fights his own bodyguards, earns suspension for another entire season

If I counted right, that’s 8 crimes in years. Need I say more?

Andre Dawson – On the list for one reason and one reason only. He (in)famously said “I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.”

I could’ve sworn Sandusky said that.

OJ Simpson – Innocent

Big Ben Roethlisberger – I should preface this with the fact that I hate all Steelers players and fans. In 2006, Roethlisberger crashed his motorcycle in downtown Pittsburgh. Not only was he not wearing helmet, but he didn’t even have a Pennsylvania motorcycle license. After a few more years as an incredibly overrated quarterback, Roethlisberger was accused of sexual assault. While one instance of sexual assault won’t land you on this list (here’s looking at you, Kobe Bryant), Roethlisberger was again accused of sexual assault not even a year later. This, coupled with his decline in performance on the field, coined the slogan, “Throwin’ picks rapin’ chicks.”

Plax - I thought everyone had seen 8 mile.

Metta World Peace – First, there was the Malice at the Palace. After the above event and some uneventful NBA seasons, changes name to Metta World Peace as a representation of his newfound amicable temperament. Then he did this.

Morris Claiborne – Entering the 2012 NFL Draft, Claiborne scored 4 on the Wonderlic test. For those that are unfamiliar with the test, it is scored out of 50. That is an 8%. Claiborne needed to pull a Derrick Rose and get someone to take the test for him. Try the test here. If you don’t score above 10, remove yourself from the gene pool immediately.

4 Athletes who take too much unfair media criticism

John Daly – Everyone hates on him for making statements like this, “I want to gamble and I want to have a few drinks now and then. Basically, it (trying to stay sober) had taken over my life, and I was miserable. It's like I've said before, there's no way I'd never drink again." He gambles and drinks, sounds like a bro to me

Mike Vick – Too many athletes have done way too many worse things for Michael Vick to get shit on the way he does. He messed up, paid his dues to society, and got out. That’s how our country works, and if you don’t like that, leave.

Mike Tyson – I know I know, he sounds retarded and bit off a dudes ear. You could definitely make the case that he should be on the above list, but this is too great.

Pete Rose – If you couldn’t tell from my description of the steroid abusers above, I really hate the people who cheated the entire game of baseball out of its best record. Pete Rose was a terrific baseball player, and made one bad mistake. If any steroid using record breaker makes it to the hall before Pete (likely to happen) baseball is fucked forever.

Ricky Williams – The guy got tired of football and decided he didn’t want to ruin his body playing football. He followed his heart. And his heart told him to smoke weed and teach yoga. I don’t know if you’ve seen his ESPN 30 for 30 (if not, do it) but the guy would casually smoke upwards of 17 joints with his three friends in one sitting. That’s unreal, even by the standards of the Pukey contributors, who, being bros, smoke a lot of weed.

Take it sleazy, CCP out