First things first, I need to clarify the parameters of this
question. In this instance, “shit your pants” constitutes a moderate shart. One
where a small amount of poo sneaks out and essentially stains your
undergarments but lacks the size and consistency of a standard stool. For
instance, if you were standing when the sneeze occurred, you may not even
notice the fecal matter in your drawers, but upon sitting down the presence
would be undeniable. When it comes to the vomit, it would be roughly the size
and length of a vomit after being drunk, full and shotgunning a beer, where the
vomit is mostly just the last beer that went down, and maybe a little bit more.
Nothing gut wrenching or overpowering, but still a significant vomit. Finally, multiple
sneezers, people who sneeze more than once almost everytime they sneeze, should
be treated as standard one time sneezers. So each sneeze session would
constitute one shart or one boot. However, if the sneezes total more than 3,
bonus sharting or vomiting will ensue, with each additional 2 sneezes leading
to another shart or boot (4 sneezes = 2 shart/vomit, 6 sneezes= 3, etc). This
takes into account allergy season and must be considered.
Ok, now that I have laid down the ground rules, it’s time to
start the analysis. When this question was first posed, I quickly declared I’d
prefer the vomiting option. As a male college student, vomiting is something I am
inherently used to. In my prime (sophomore year, the first peak of every
college guys career), I would probably be booting at a minimum two nights a
week, with a maximum of 5. With such experience, the act of vomiting does not
bother me all that much and a few a day (I probably sneeze on average 1.75
times a day) would be manageable. I have not sharted nearly as much, not to say
that I haven’t. One time I did walking to my house from campus, right in front
of the sorority dorm. Oh, yeah and I was going commando due to my natural
inability to do laundry more than once every month. It was miserable as I had
to squat-run home a moderate distance, hoping nobody would walk behind me. That
experience put the fear of shart in my heart, and I hope to never deal with
that again. Other side advantages I thought of the vomiting options: getting
out of work for being “sick” would come in handy if one were to sneeze-barf in
front of co-workers or bosses. The smell of the vomit could be easily
concealed with some mints or gum or even a stash of mouth wash, unlike a shart,
which is an undeniable odor. Who wants their friends, family and coworkers
knowing they shit themselves on the reg?
After some thought provoking discussion with some friends, I
think I may have been swayed to the other side. One, the constant vomiting could possibly lead to
some malnutrition and weight loss issues (which I guess would be a plus for all the
insecure ladies out there). Second and more importantly, the vomit would be
very hard to conceal and would be pretty embarrassing in many situations (i.e.
job interview, first date, sex, your child’s baptism, an AA meeting, when your
wife asks you how she looks, etc). A shart, however, would go unnoticed to the
untrained eye. The smell probably wouldn’t be overpowering right away, and with
some odor-preventing adult diapers, could be essentially untraceable. The adult
diaper possibility is a game changer in my mind, as it will properly contain
the poo, keep the smell manageable and gives some more flexibility in how much
time you can take before you change.
Without the adult diaper, I would probably stick with the
vomiting, just because it’s much more socially acceptable to throw up than poop
yourself as a grown man, but they exist and must be considered. However, everything
in the adult diaper/sharting world would not be gravy. First, studies have
shown that you are 100% more susceptible to diaper rash when you are wearing
diapers as opposed to when you are not. Nobody likes rashes, especially near their
nether regions. Babies hate them, so I think there is an innate human hatred
of diaper rashes, meaning they suck for people of all ages Second, I am not too
familiar with adult diapers, but I imagine they are just baby diapers sized for
old people. This would mean they would probably make sounds and be puffy. A
wise observer would be able to notice the adult diaper. Being caught wearing
adult diapers would be just as embarrassing as being caught shitting yourself,
given the transitive property (shitting yourself all the time = everyone making
fun of you and hating you, wearing adult diaper = shitting yourself all the
time. Therefore: wearing adult diapers = everyone making fun of you and hating
you). Finally, poops are meant to be cherished and enjoyed in the privacy of one’s
own home or stall. The constant sharting would probably instill a phobia of
good farts and poopig which no adult male wants.
In the end, both scenarios would suck. While I am still sort
of torn between the two, I would probably have to go sharting, simply because of
the ability to conceal them with an adult diaper. Like all the greatest
questions posed by philosphers, leaders and societies throughout the history of
mankind, we may never discover the true answer to this question. It shall
remain a mystery until death. I don’t believe in an afterlife, but if I did, I
would hope to rise to heaven and be greeted by Jesus. I would then ask him this
as well as other questions that have tormented society for years (What came first, the chicken or the egg? Should you stand or sit when you wipe
your ass? How about fold or scrunch the toilet paper? And so many, many more).
Shartfully yours,
Abraham Froman
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